kiss my ass ! :D

2007-04-01T22:00:00.000+08:00

Okay. I haven't updated in YEARS because I couldn't seem to bring myself to log into Blogger. hehe. Anyway it's funny, reading all my old entries and realizing how much had changed these few months.

Since my last updated, I:

- did a new tattoo (fish on wrist! God, it rhymes.)
- have isolated myself from my friends,
- bought a lot of stuff,
- have finished ALL my college transfer applications,
- am back on substances,
- found out who my true friends are.

I need a major change in my life. I am so sick of the monotony. I wish I could have new friends, a new environment, a new country. I wanna move away, start anew, recover what has been lost.

I need to control my desires, because material things will never satisfy. I need to control my lust, because there is more to life than such gratification.

I need to stop my substance abuse, because I feel like I'm killing myself slowly, progressively, day by day, spiralling downward into nothingness. How I miss those days when I used to be healthy, happy and naive.

All along I used to be self-sufficient, but now I know I can't do it alone. How I wish for a friend, someone whom I can talk to without being judged, to confide in, to go through each and every storm in life with.

Wind is leaving end of this month. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do and what I could hang on to. I just want a friend, whom I can go out with. To talk to, to shop with. It's that simple. I don't ask for much, I just want true friendship.

But I guess that's too much to ask for.

2006-11-09T11:12:00.000+08:00

I'm moving guys, to

here

i can't update this blog anymore because it's screwing up on me

2006-10-29T21:15:00.000+08:00

A lot of people have told me that I lead an interesting life, and my little anecdotes are their daily dose of fiction, but they don't know the price I pay for it. And everytime I do something socially unacceptable and after being punished, people always ask if I regret doing it in the first place, and the answer will always be the same.

Mum used to say that when I was young, she never could have imagined that I woud turn out this way. I disagree. Even as a young girl, there were little hints peeking out here and there, and if someone were to observe me closely, it would be apparent to them. Of course, no one did, because at a tender age I've become adept at leading a double life.

At the very least, I'm honest to myself. I know, I'm proud. I'm selfish, greedy, malicious and scheming. I know I'm vain and narcissistic, and ironically, I know how insecure I am. I know my problems, and I know the solutions. Yet, I also know that I probably won't follow the solutions.
I know how much I love Wind, and what I would do for her.

But you, with your slick moves and tender words, probably wouldn't understand this. Because you're too caught up in your little world, where Daddy backs everything. We both know what we are doing. I know what you are doing. Why lie ? You said you were straightforward. I say you're in self-denial. Let's face it, you're not as hot as you think you are. Your casanova moves don't work on me because I've lost the respect I had for you.

To me, promiscuity isn't wrong. It depends on your set of moral values. You know the truth wouldn't have mattered to me, because I don't care. The situation would still turn out the same way. I just thought that maybe, you know, you would at least BE the person you're trying to be.

Since you wanna play it. Play it well. :)

But of course, ignore what I said. I am, after all, your average bimbotic airhead. :)

2006-10-18T18:37:00.000+08:00

I have a History exam tomorrow, and I've a 1000word speech to memorize by 7pm tomorrow. And I have to decide on the Christmas decor FAST, because the team is buying the materials this weekend, and we've to send a report. I have TWO Debussy preludes to practice on the piano AND a Scarlatti sonata on top of that, and four songs to memorize and sing well by next week.

You know, knowing that I've got so much on my plate makes me less stressed out. I'm just in a 'bring it on!' kinda mood. God knows why I'm just sitting here listening to Guns 'n Roses and reminiscing of the days where I used to snort coke.

I love Guns n Roses. They sounds so different from other rock music, they sound so whimsical and clean. Seems like at all the significant moments of my life, they're always there. When I was high on weed and alcohol, they're blasting from the stereo. When I'm at the club having the time of my life with all of my bestest friends, the DJ plays it. When I broke up with Fahad, I listened to it. And when I found Wind, I played it on my ipod.

Man I miss those days.. when I used to bum around, have fun and get high. All we need in this life is weed, music and a bed.

I don't know how am I supposed to deliver my speech tomorrw; my throat fucking hurts. Too many cigarettes and the fucking haze.

2006-10-15T19:17:00.000+08:00

ive been lazing around in bed for the past three hours and now i feel like shit. :( i wanna go out for dinner so bad but my family's out of town.. sigh.

last night was indo night, sucked. because it was so boring and it felt like prom night. worse than prom night. so i left after half an hour and changed and headed to MoS with my aunt and Daph.. soon joined by everyone else and we had a great time :) finished a bottle of taittinger and a few shots of tequila and was nicely tipsy after that. lost my cigarettes in the toilet or somewhere, and it was a new pack of dunhill reds ! :( hung out in Sky and the vip room for quite a bit and my aunt did some picking up :D it's so nice to have a cool aunt you know. hahah !

was wearing my new Lulu Guinness pumps the whole night until 4am and i swear they were like a godsend. I didn't feel any pain at all ! And today when I went to church in the morning I could still wear them to walk all the way to Mandarin and hang out. I love them ! :D

anyway watched world trade center and i cried during the movie :( i literally bawled. wind was giving me the odd eyeball but i couldnt help it.. went home straight after cause my eyes were swollen :(

i miss my mum and dad and sis.

2006-10-07T01:12:00.000+08:00

im finally online trying to print out notes for the Alexander Pope from sparknotes.com, but all i ended up reading is an analysis of the Communist Manifesto, probably my favorite piece of literary work because its so inspiring. sighs

had a great time at east coast this evening with all my beloved IFGF friends and family, and all the new friends from all over the world. led worship, and was translator for the evening (from english to chinese, chinese to english, english to indonesian, vice versa) see you guys in church on sunday, i felt so blessed today :)

tomorrow, music practice at noon followed by prayer. im excited, especially knowing that im doing something that's really meaningful, being at the frontline, being involved in various ministries and missions in expanding God's kingdom.

tons of stuff on my plate,so little time. i love it.

2006-09-22T11:42:00.000+08:00

Oh my god I totally overslept my Calculus class and now I just woke up. Thank God Wind has her MC printing factory in business, she's so saving my skin :)

My 23 year old aunt is staying with us for the next couple of months, she just came back from her studies in Melbourne. I think she's a sort of like graphic designer, a really good one at that. I heard people would pay 200million rupiah (that's about SGD40,000) for her designs or something. She's so pretty and into fashion, I told her it'll be a waste to work at Rouge, where she applied earlier yesterday. So I'm going to bring her around to Club 21 in Four Seasons or Queen's Couture and see if she can get a job there, before she does her graphic design thingy.

I had a good talk with mum yesterday regarding my major, and she finally decided to support me should I decide to major in Literature. Before that we talked about my Chemical Engineering, which was what I was supposed to do, and I told her that while I'm relatively good at science and math, there are a lot others who are better than me. She said that I should find my own niche, where I am confident of my own abilities.. and I know writing and Lit. is it.

Anyway she saw the ad for the Devil Wears Prada and she went like, " what devil ? satan ? is it a satanic movie ? " hahahaha I love her cluelessness. She says since I like writing I should become a journalist, and said that France would be the best place for me to get my Masters. So I guess, Paris would be my next stop after getting my degree in the USA, which I really hate.

Right now I'm just filling up my applications for Wheaton, and I sincerely hope that my extensive list of extra-curriculars would make up for what's lacking in my grades. Thank god I did tons of charity work with my family and school.. all those mission trips and performances count so much in the applications.

I'm so bored and hungry :( I spent the whole night yesterday playing Scarlatti on the piano trying to get to sleep, and now I ended up oversleeping my class. Sighs.

2006-09-21T23:12:00.000+08:00

The last week crawled by so slowly, maybe because too many things happened within such a short period of time.

These days I've been feeling so guilty of my recent purchases, I can hardly go to sleep at night. On Monday I went shopping with Wind and Christia and bought the new Balenciaga Whistle bag, in red.. which costed me two grand. Without my mum's consent, or even asking her for it.. This has serious repercussions. Probably because I was using her credit card :( The last time something similar to this happened (Prada bag, this year's CNY period), she confiscated the card for about six months. :(

Anyway, I went all out to hide the damn bag from her. I kept it in its dust bag, which I stuff into my huge pink Loewe bag in the corner of my room. Like what Charmaine said, I'll probably need a bomb shelter if mum finds out.

In hopes of alleviating the guilt, I went out with Mum last night for an evening of spa at Andana and brought her around shopping at Taka. Was trying so desperately to persuade her to get something for herself, since mum isn't a bag/shoes/clothes kinda person, she's all about her work. Sometimes, I feel like she's my dad, instead of my mum.

Anyway, we walked into Fendi and I was looking at their new B Bags, and to make the story short, we both ended buying one piece each.

She really liked the limited edition B Bag with the pearls and matte black leather, because it looks so 'ethnic' (she loves all things ethnic) and no matter how much I tried persuading her to get the more functional Spy with the turtle shells since she hated her white one, which costed three thousand dollars less, she still insisted on getting the B Bag. I'm so glad for her, finally she found something she liked.

As for me, I had to have that white and purple embroidered piece. I know, it's getting obsessive. I don't know how to help myself, but I really don't want to be a shopaholic. Some people are addicted to heroin and some are addicted to caffeine. I'm addicted to the smell, touch, and feel of leather. Lambskin, python, ostrich, croc, I love all of them. There's a smell to it which really smells so wonderful.

So anyway.... The shopping did nothing to alleviate my guilt. I love my mum and I love my bag, but I really do want my old self back. I wish I was addicted to heroin instead, at least it's cheaper. It doesn't make sense to drop ten thousand dollars into the bin just for a glorious sniff of napa leather.

2006-09-13T21:27:00.000+08:00

In human social existence, not only do social systems, political parties, religions and different kinds of commodities have features characteristic of themselves, each also has, as part of the system of visual identifiers, separate visual signs representing its own collective spirit. These signs often have a significant effect on social life over a long period of social activities. They also embody social modes, and are associated with a sense of power and religiosity that controls the masses.

Commercial logos, too, possess enormous power. They arouse people to yearn to fight for rights over things. Omnipresent, they are an incarnation of human wisdom and the modes of social production.

In the prevalent form of society of China today, we are experiencing a transformation unlike anything else in history. The socialist symbolism of the Sickle and Hammer is still with us, almost a century after the October Revolution in Russia. While this symbol is still ordering the realities of China today, progressive modes of production and capital capabilites from the West have resulted in a vibrant and diverse economy. We are in a fabulous "Flow of Gold" era. Nevertheless, what remains most fundamental is this: a real change in the system.

- Mao Tongqiang, Pop Artist

Nothing enthralls me as much as Political pop art and Communism do.

Mao Tongqiang is my favorite Chinese Pop artist and his works were exhibited in the Soobin Art Int'l last Friday, which, regretfully, I missed.

Some people think it's sadistic the way I am so interested and fascinated by the Chinese Communist era and Mao Zedong, and how whenever offered a chance, I will always choose Mao as the subject of my project.

I don't agree with what the CCP did while in power, and neither do I agree with their policies. What enthralls me is their legacy, and how much it has impacted China and the world today. The grandeur of Mao's regime, his personality cult. How so many millions of people would choose to follow and worship at his feet. Decades after his rule numerous artists, writers and critics around the world are still debating about whether he was a villain or a great leader.

His notoriety and ambition fascinates me so much. His cold-bloodedness and inhumanity, how he was so oblivious to the suffering and deaths of the masses. How many people in the world could do that ?

2006-09-11T23:15:00.000+08:00

School was great today, presentation went well although dear Ilma was sick. I think my Lit. professor likes me. :)

I have a lot of calculus to do tomorrow and I'm dreading it :(

And good news is, I finally found my ipod ! And the USB cable, so I can finally listen to music again.

From now on I will wear my hard lenses every single day, no matter how uncomfortable and painful it may be. Agri says that her myopia became much better due to daily use and I'm inspired !! :)

Hung out at Baby's house today, and taught her some maths. She'll be having her Chem and SS papers tomorrow and I hope she'll do well.

I feel like I've been fucked upside down. I need some rest :\

2006-09-10T22:31:00.000+08:00

Dear baby is sick, she's down with fever and I wish I could take care of her :( and she's got prelims tomorrow.. I hope she gets well soon. :( I miss her..

Last night went to Andana the Spa with mum and sis and met up with Agri in the evening, we were hunting for heels all over the place but couldn't find any suitable ones. I need Manolos :(

And Wind joined us for a movie and headed to Zouk to join Daphne and the rest, although we were so tired and sleepy we could barely focus : sent Wind home cause she was half drunk, and got home early.

I just received the email with the rehearsal dates for the Christmas Choir in Orchard Road.. The supposed 1000 voice choir. It's on the 15 Sept and it coincides with Agri's Miss Singapore Vogue finals in Club Momo and I want to go and support her :( oh how ? :(

And this year's IGFG GISI Christmas concert is going to be held on the 12th November and I'm in charge of the decor committee. I've to decorate a ballroom for 300-400 people.. and I have unlimited budget. How fun ! :D I can't wait to start planning.

I haven't finished my Lit presentation and I'm worried, cause it's graded :( Plus, I have my engine report due and I haven't done anything yet. :(

Baby says I'm unromantic. And not automatic. I wonder what she's trying to hint..

I love you ! :)

2006-09-08T02:03:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I had to get a book which I needed for my World Lit class so I went to Kinokuniya and Popular in search of the book.

Kinokuniya didn't have stock, so I headed to Popular at the Orchard Station. There, after hunting high and low for the said book, I asked the sales staff for assistance, and he showed me the shelf where the book is placed. As I was scanning the spines for J. Swift's Gulliver's Travels under the Penguin Popular Classics series, a memory so deeply hidden in the recesses of my mind came into picture, and at once I realized: this was the exact shelf where I used to sit cross-legged as a kid, flipping the pages of one of those books feverishly in a bid to finish reading the book as fast as possible, so that I could move on to the next book.

I thought of the days long past, when reading used to be the only and greatest source of pleasure. When I used to look forward eagerly to weekends and school holidays so that I could go to the bookstore and spend hours reading those great classics. And I remember so vividly, the day my last PSLE exam was over, how I rushed to Kinokuniya with a good friend of mine, clutching the $200 (a great sum to me in those days) that my parents gave me as a reward for working so hard for the exams, and spent the rest of the afternoon deeply immersed in William Makepeace Thackeray's Vanity Fair. I came home, laden with my purchases, sated, satisfied.

And there was a time when I used to buy so many of those classics, which were sold at unbelievably low prices at Popular. I bought ten at one go, and after perfecting the art of shoplifting, soon began to steal regularly from Kinokuniya. Soon my study resembled a mini library and my mum banned me from getting any more books, legal or otherwise.

Seeing so many great names, great works that I have read since my youth reminded me of my past.. where I was so young, carefree and innocent, where books used to be my universe, before I became tainted with the materialism, avarice and the vices of human nature. Then, I could not help but think of the extent by which society has decayed, dragging along with it the souls of those intent of making their way in the world, by which they had sold themselves in exchange of the flimsy definitions of success.

2006-09-08T01:03:00.000+08:00

Hello people, I'm finally using my laptop again ! It's been so long, my poor HP was temporarily in the possession of my dear sis for a couple of weeks. Anyway I'm high on cockles and sugar cane, Mum brought us for a sinful round of supper at Newton.

Today had my piano exam which didn't go all too well, but whatev. I'm just glad that it's over, finallyy !! Yay ! :D

Brought Wind to the dentist, because she was kinda scared, but it went fine. After that she accompanied me to school.. and as usual, being the kind, sweet soul that she is, waited for me :) And we headed to town, gallivanting as usual like kids playing truant. And my wonderful girlfriend who's always full of surprises, ganged up with the salesgirl in C.K Tang and bought me the pair of jeans that I liked so much. And I totally didn't know :) i love my girlfriend.

Before last night we were never together. We hang out a lot and we love each other, but we were only officially together for a month. And that was from February to March and after that we were "good friends". But yesterday things changed, and now she's my girlfriend again.

She's still going on and on about her latest craze, the gorgeous Nathalie Kelley, the lead actress in Tokyo Drift, whom she claims, is a spitting image of me. A while ago I gave her this one week deadline for her to get over Nathalie which she obviously didn't meet. But it's alright. As much as I am vexed and annoyed by her obsession, I know deep down she only one she loves is me. And that alone is enough :)

(This post is so incoherent, probably because I am so severely lacking of sleep.)

2006-09-05T11:38:00.000+08:00

School started last Monday and it was good, I like my classes. This semester I'm doing Business Calculus, Engineering, World Literature, U.S History and Public Speaking. I had hoped for more science and math classes but Chemistry was dropped from the semester's schedule, unfortunately.

Anyway I'm going off to Bangkok this Saturday, Fountain of Joy needs another dancer for their event on Sunday night.. An audience of at least 10,000, probably my biggest so far. I'm so excited over the shopping, and I do miss the others so much ! They're going back to Taiwan either on Sunday or Monday and I'm glad I still get to see them before they leave. Coming back on Monday afternoon.

I love my Lit class, because it's my favorite subject and right now we're studying Jonathan Swift's Gulliver Travels and we're moving on to Alexander Pope, before studying Voltaire. I can hardly wait :)

By the way, we brought one of my hamsters Fendi to the vet on Sunday because she's been having these huge lumps on her lower body. The vet diagnosed them as cancerous growth, to my horror. So it's either we let her live until she dies, which will be brutal, because obviously Fendi is in so much pain, or we put her to sleep. Which I think I will do, cause I know I'll probably kill myself before I see her bleed to death. It was so sad.. I cried at the vet's. I know it sounds silly, because it's not a dog, but a mere hamster.. But I love all of them. What is the difference between a dog and a hamster ? My first hamster Spy actually listens to me when I'm sad, he knows.. he'll just stay still in my hands and look at me with his great, black bulbous eyes.
Now that Fendi's about to leave us soon, KFC will so lonely in the home they used to share together. Everytime I see her in her tank my heart aches.. I can't bear to put her to sleep, but I know I should.

Watched the Devil Wears Prada on Sunday and it was fun, I loved Meryl Streep as Miranda. So fashionably cold and brilliant :)

Was looking for a durable schoolbag which will make me look student-ish, and bought the Bulga "Shoelace" bag from Quintessential which only costed six hundred bucks, and I never knew Bulga bags were that cheap. I can carry it in the rain and all sorts of weather conditions and I won't feel the heartache anymore ! And I can stuff my laptop in. Yay !

I used to write about like "deeper" stuff until I got so sick of writing them, because they just make me sad and sound like some emo sociopath. But whatever, people who judge others based on what they blog about aren't exactly 'deep' either.

2006-08-29T23:40:00.000+08:00

Second day of school today and I went for all my classes and sat in Daphne's Bio. class, so that makes up four back to back classes all the way from 1pm to 9pm, with barely breaks in between. :( Thank God Daph was with me the whole time, so at least I had someone to gossip to.

Saw so many previous schoolmates and I'm so glad I'm back here, it feels so familiar and warm. The people are so nice and friendly too ! And the good thing about being in a small school is that everyone knows everyone else, so there's so much gossip around and that makes it so interesting.

Daph just told me about her good friend's problems with her ex bf, who is being a bastard, and I'm feeling really pissed for her now. Although I barely know them.. I hate guys like that, who think they're the bomb. I hate male ego.

Wind picked me up from school last night, cause I end at 930pm and she's worried that my male classmates will rape me. And she brought me for supper and sent me all the way home :) she's the sweetest ever. I love her.

2006-08-28T18:23:00.000+08:00

Today's the first day of school and i'm in the computer lab now and gotta go get my books before class starts in five minutes. Got a new pair of shoes and im so tired right now :( had the worst bout of cramps today.

later.

2006-08-20T20:49:00.000+08:00

I feel like I ran out of clothes to wear. I can't be bothered to wear jeans because none of them fits me properly anymore :( and my shirts look so shapeless, and I have a huge blue-black on my left leg, so prominently displayed and serving as an ugly memory of The Fall outside Kallang Theatre a few months back.

Things are just not going right, today's not going right. Maybe because I'm severely lacking of sleep, thanks to many nights of performances and Friday night at MoS with Malia, Daphne and her two friends. Left early, before 1 am but had to get up at 8am on Saturday morning for my twice-weekly Chinese lesson, and spent the whole day in preparation for the major concert held that night. Had to meet the various choirs from Taiwan and China who are here for the concert and a choir competition, and bring them around Orchard Road, which is a huge chore considering that each of the choirs consisted around 35 people. After which I had to go home and rush to the theatre hall for dress rehearsal, gulped down my dinner and the bloody concert started shortly after.

We did the opening act and it was fine, and waited for two hours as our thing is the finale. Nearly fell asleep due to exhaustion, but managed to get hyped up enough before preparing for our turn. We did all four dances one after another without a minute break in between, and it killed us. Did a good job though.. I think the crowd loved it :) it was a refreshing end to a concert filled with choirs and piano recitals. I love choirs and orchestras, but listening to FOUR choirs and tons of piano pieces in one night is no joke.

Went for supper, got home at 1am again, and woke up at 9am this morning for church. And I was so unreasonable and irritable today, especially with Baby. I even kinda yelled at her in public when my contacts screwed up in my eyeball. I'm sorry :( I was hungry and tired and it's a deadly combination when the two comes together.

Just had art lesson, and going to bring the Taiwanese group for wakeboarding tomorrow. Another long day ahead :)

2006-08-19T12:28:00.000+08:00

haven't been updating much lately, and i guess that'll be how it is from now on.

i really, really needed something to hold on to, to be responsible for. to have a commitment and something that really needs me to put in all my efforts and time, something for a greater purpose. for the past two months ive felt like my life is an empty shell, a mindless routine. and i am so sick of everything that is related to money, i can't even bear the thought of spending it.

so for the past month ive been actively involved in Ps. Ezekiel Choong's ministry, and im the pioneer member of Fountain of Joy Southeast Asia, and thank god, because ive found myself through it. It's a youth movement spanning throughout the world, especially Taiwan and China and reaching out to many nations to spread God's love through songs and dance. 4 of the pioneering members from Taiwan are here and i joined them in performing in tons of churches nearly every other night and it was hard work, all the practices and coordination, and we're not even paid, but that makes it better.

and yes, because i had my virgin show just three days after my first practice session, i practiced so much that people said i lost weight. yay !

knowing that what we're doing have brought many souls to god created such a joy within me. and seeing God at work doing all those miracle healings renewed my faith. im so glad.. and i feel so lucky to have been a part of this.

i know there are certain things i need to straighten out in my life, and i know God is with me every step of the way. and in His time, all things will be beautiful.

2006-08-10T11:47:00.000+08:00

The last week had been a very bad week. Those who're close to me know what I'm doing to myself, and I'm still struggling to get used to life in that way. It feels like I'm ripping myself apart, so it's kinda rocky right now..

Then I lost my phone at Starbucks (all my numbers !! and saved messages :( ), but I bought a new phone the next day and I'm still using the same number, so call me ! :) I'm glad I lost my phone, I really wanted to get a new one. Was deciding between the pink Motorola V3 ( I know, damn old phone) and the new Sony Ericsson k610i. The SE was good, as usual. They have the best functions and it still remains my favorite phone maker. But the pink razor is so gorgeous, I don't care if it's obsolete, it is SO sweet ! I'm gonna put all those transparent diamonds on it and hang tons of phone accessories on it :D so i guess losing my phone was a good thing.

Went shopping with Mum yesterday, and wanted the Fendi B Bag in white and red with the blue trimmings.. I liked it so so much but it was pricey and Mum told me to think about it first :( I just got the Chanel quilted bag last month, and now another one.. Sigh.

Yesterday was NOT good. I felt so depressed it feels as if nothing can make me happy again. And I had such a weird dream, dreamt that Satan texted me on my phone and stuff. And he said he will cancel out my name from the Book of Hell, wtf ? hahah ! I suppose its good news.. then God texted me too, I forgot what He said, but then later Satan texted again, and he said that Hell is not the place for me. hahahhaha ! Bizarre !

Anyway Dad is coming back from Beijing today, and I miss him so much. I haven't seen him in months !

2006-08-03T23:54:00.000+08:00

inside my heart is breaking; my make-up may be flaking,
but my smile stays on.

Be strong.

2006-08-01T23:43:00.000+08:00

This is gonna sound damn cheesy, but I love my baby, she's the sweetest ! We were just at a cd shop around her area and i wanted BoA's newest cd, cause she's my favorite pop artist and she's so gorgeous, but I was so broke and I couldn't buy it. Then she kept asking if I wanted the Ayumi Hamasaki Tour 2005 Dvd or the BoA album.

And when I got home, I unpacked my bag and there it was, the album was in my bag ! Oohh so nice, I never would've thought she'll get it for me :) how sweet. I know, I can't stop myself from gushing and I sound like a silly lovestruck fool, but I don't care.

I'm a J-Pop fan at heart, I know, I never thought I'll finally admit it. I used to listen so much to Ayumi and Namie Amuro and BoA and I could even sing their lyrics without understanding them at all. :
Ah I'm like taking forever to type this out cause I'm so busy with MSN, I hardly sign in these days, and now I'm so not used to having conversations online.

2006-07-27T10:48:00.000+08:00

Mum woke me up at 9 telling me that the guests are going to be here soon so I fucking jumped out of bed and rushed. Then she told me that they're coming at 1130 instead. -_-

I just came across Jolin Tsai's blog and nearly went blind trying to read those tiny chinese characters. I used to hate it whenever people said I looked like her, because I thought she was damn ah lian with her icky long nails and cutesy everything, but now I kinda like her cause I think she's sweet.

Right now I'm into glittery and girly stuff, so maybe that explains why. Speaking of glittery and girly stuff, I bought my beautiful pink glitter London Sole ballet flats yesterday ! :D This time I bought a size bigger and tightened the sides, because the last pair I bought (my normal size, 37) killed my feet. Mum is so delighted about my fetish for such things; she's been trying to make me girlier since I reached puberty.

2006-07-26T14:43:00.000+08:00

The semester's over, and now I'm having my holidays !

I've just registered for my courses by the way, and I'm taking SIX courses, two of which are Science, and one is Engineering. I'm pretty excited, I'm so over with all those senseless English and Business classes. I'm so sick of writing papers. Thank God I changed my mind about majoring in Literature or Art History. :
And I was helping Wind with her Maths yesterday, and it just struck me how much I miss Maths and Science. I miss Algebra, Trigo, Calculus and all those stuff. I know, it's so weird. I miss doing those practice sums and experiments and I'm kinda glad I'll be doing those again next semester, though I know I'll probably start bitching about it again.

Anyway I've decided to stay at home and bum around today. Mum wants to take me out shopping later on and I can't wait ! I don't think she'll be too happy about buying another LV bag for me again :(

Ah, LV. Don't even get me started. I think I'm suffering from a serious case of Affluenza. (I read about it from my Environmental Science textbook, it's a sickness where people in affluent societies become materialistic, and only material things can make them happy) I've spent the last hour browsing through the LV website, looking at its catalogue.. I hate how I am. :(

When I met with Malia a few days ago we were just talking about it. And I agree with what she said, being materialistic is not something to be proud of. Because it shows so much about a person.. Strength of character and self-control. The money we have now aren't ours, but our parents'. I know everyone enjoys luxury goods, but its different story when our lives start revolving around designer bags.

I think I need help :

2006-07-24T09:03:00.000+08:00

Yay I am like finally and completely done with my paper, now all I've to do is to bring it to school and turn it in. :D

Yesterday Malia came from LA, so met with her in the evening. We just sat in Andana for a while, just talking about everything, then we headed over to Marrakesh, that nice Moroccan sheesha place in Clarke Quay. Stayed there until midnight and had a really good bonding session over the smoke and drinks, it feels as if we've never stopped talking for the past one year since I decided to stay here to study last summer. There's just something about old friends that really makes a difference.

Anyways, I came home nauseous so went straight to sleep, but woke up at 8am to finish up editing my paper. I was SO worried I'll oversleep the 11.30am deadline that I set like multiple alarms just in case.

So now I'm done and sitting on my bed in my pyjamas, way before the deadline. You know I really hate doing my homework under the influence of alcohol or weed, it just sucks and the next day when you look at it you're just so appalled at the quality of work. I think I've to cut down on my alchohol intake. And stay away from cigarettes/sheesha for a while. Sighs.

Okay I think I'm gonna do a massage today at the spa because I think I need a little reward for working so hard on my paper, and do my hair, and come home and study for tomorrow's Environmental Science Final.

2006-07-22T14:45:00.000+08:00

Spent the past two days hanging out with Byron the boy from South Africa and it's been fun AND tiring. Sheesha-ed so much on Thursday night that we nearly passed out. Anyways, MoS has a new VIP area on the first floor just by the main arena.. and we had a great time chilling there. And were recommended for PURE membership, we SHOULD too, since we've been there too many times to count. Not to mention how many bottles we've opened since MoS was built.

Just had lunch with Mum and Sis at Andana in Paragon, and now waiting for my turn at the piano. Mum's organizing a concert on August 19th and Sis & I might've to perform a few vocal pieces.. so not prepared. And there's another concert on the 30th September as well :\ I've to brush up on my Italian pieces. AND after that comes the Voice exams, which I sincerely hope I pass and get my Concert certificate.

Malia is coming from LA today and I can't wait. The last time I met her was last summer, exactly a year ago. I'm so excited :)

I only have to turn in my completed English paper on Monday and sit for my Science final test on Tuesday and I'm done for the semester. :)

Wanted to try working during my coming holidays, but Mum would rather have me go to Shanghai and Beijing with her. Sighs.

And now there's this glittery pink pair of flats from London Sole that I really want, but I'm so broke :(

2006-07-20T11:03:00.000+08:00

My friend Meiyan is selling a pair of Birkenstocks, and these are some details if you're interested :)

Its called Fame Silver by Verona Feldbusch, price going at 85 bucks, slightly negotiable. Brand new and still in the box. Even though the size states 39n, but it fits a normal birken 38n.

If interested, please contact her at niko_koji@yahoo.com or you can leave a comment on her blog here.

By the way, I'm having such a bad hangover right now in class, its not even funny. My mum's Caucasian friend and his family came from South Africa and Daph and I spent the entire day bringing their eighteen year old around, who is pretty cute.

Went to MoS and got a bed at Pure, and drank so much that I had to squat before a toilet bowl trying to puke, but I can't, so we went home at 1am.

And I woke up again at 3am to do my Powerpoint slides because I have presentation at 9am the next day. I am so tired :(

And later in the day I still have Science class, and I have yet to find my photo and develop it and mount it on a cardboard :( So much things to do.. and thank God I'm done with my Research Project since Tuesday. :)

Today's the last class for English. Yay !!! No more 9am classes. :D

2006-07-16T21:16:00.000+08:00

Recently I've been so upset over a series of events and with people, so much that now I'm just so disappointed in everything..and everyone.

I thought I'd found my circle of friends, people I know I can always count on until like,forever. I'm not angry anymore, I'm just sad now. It's so hard holding on to things you know you never had. Was our bond forged out of shopping sprees and clubbing sessions, or was it made of something tougher, something genuine ? I can't tell. Was it a superficial friendship since the beginning, only that we all assumed otherwise ?

Please note that I'm not referring to a specific person, but .. friendship in general.

I feel so let down by my friends. I know they mean well when they say that they don't exactly approve of me and Wind. I understand. But do they know how hurtful it feels, especially when they make you feel that they don't trust you to make your own decisions. Like they don't trust that you know what you're doing. Do they understand ? I have a very limited amount of time left to spend with Wind. She's going back to Indo probably for good next April, and we don't even know how, or when we'll be able to see each other again. Every single minute I have left with her is precious.. I love her so much you know that. You may laugh, or scorn. I don't care. I always thought that friends would support each other, do you know how painful it is ? Do you care ?

I'm so sad.. I feel like I'm broken, and I can't function. I'm not blaming anyone, I know I haven't been with my friends much lately. I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you guys as soon as I can.

2006-07-16T20:33:00.000+08:00

The sun will come out tomorrow
so you've got to hold on till tomorrow,
come what may.

2006-07-13T11:40:00.000+08:00

o my god.. I totally rushed my English paper on Terrorism and American Domestic and Foreign policies because I thought it was due today, but it's not. Apparently it's due NEXT Thursday. And I like produced 10 pages already, complete with all the works cited. :(

Today first draft is due, but I didn't know the next part was due NEXT week. So i did like everything between the two days and I nearly died :(

And I've got Science class later and I hate it. Hate it hate it !

Thank god the semester's ending next week. Malia's coming from the US and might be going to Bali with her.. And I can't wait to go back to Beijing.

And I can't wait for steamboat tomorrow night at Rica's with my baby. :)

2006-07-11T21:11:00.000+08:00

Just like what my dear friend Daphne said, Sonia "talked" to me as well during class. It's kinda sad seeing a grown-up plead to a kid.. She like practically begged me to go to class, and I felt so bad that I decided not to make things difficult anymore. I just really hate going to school.. the people and all the stuff that we've to do.

She said we (me, Daphne and Jessica) don't socialize with the other students at all, and we don't contribute anything to the school. She even said that we're unwilling to attend the student activites such as the BBQ last Friday night. Well firstly, I don't DON'T socialize. I'm not like best friends with the other students or whatever, but I really do talk to them when I need to. And I'm definitely not stuck-up or hard to talk to. It's just that I'm pretty satisfied with my current life & circle of friends and honestly, I don't think I will click with the rest of the student body and I don't see the need of making the extra EXTRA effort just to talk to the people you know that you KNOW that you'll never be best friends with. I'm just not that kind.

Plus we were away last Friday at Phuket, duh ?

Anyway. Am down with fever - and I've to wake up early tomorrow morning to go visit the stupidly irrelevant NEWater plant, ALL BY MYSELF. Because all my Science class classmates already went on the field trip on Saturday while I was busy getting myself overturned on my jet-ski in Phuket. It's so horrible. I will be all alone with a tour group in a foreign water plant taking notes that are like, totally irrelevant to my life. Or anything else for that matter. NEWater or not, it's still SHITwater to me. I so do not want to have anything to do with shit-processed water.

You know what, I've got photos from the Phuket trip to post up here but it's been SO long since I put a pic up here and I've forgotten how to do it, I forgot how to close the damn tag. I'm so technologically impaired, it's not even funny.

2006-07-11T13:28:00.000+08:00

I'm in the library right now attempting to start my paper but I haven't even decided on a topic yet. It's due probably this Thursday and all my classmates are already done with it, and here I am, still confused about what to write. I hate school.

Dinner with family and family friends last night and brought them all to sheesha at Clarke Quay after that. I know, it's like so random. I ordered apple for them and they loved it.. Including my mum ! Hahahaha.

I'm dreading school later on because Daph just told me about Sonia wanting to talk to me about my attendance.

I am so annoyed about my homework. I should just go to one of those sites where I can buy an essay.

2006-07-10T23:00:00.000+08:00

I'm still so distraught and upset over what happened. I'm so disappointed I don't know what to do and how to deal. I don't know who else to talk to, it feels like the trip revealed a truth to me, a truth that's hard to accept.

I'll pay whatever I owe, and we'll get on with each of our lives.

2006-07-10T22:31:00.000+08:00

Came back from Phuket late last night with the girls, and seriously, I can't find the right words to describe our trip.

It seems like so many things have happened within the past three days and I feel like I have yet to digest them all.. It was fun though just playing and having great fun with my dearest girlfriends. And we had SO many mishaps.

We went to do jet-ski and our (mine & Daph's) jet-ski overturned because of the HUGE waves. Thank god the water was shallow and we managed to wade our way back to the shore, and barely ten seconds later, there was a hailstorm. I am so not kidding. We thought the tsunami was coming, and that wouldn't be nice. Anyway there were NO shelter anywhere, so we all had like bruises on our bodies. A big umbrella toppled over Charmaine and her arm was swollen.. Anyway, the hailstorm ended five minutes later and the sun came back up again and resumed to broiling everyone around. and lastly, we had to pay five thousand freaking baht for the damage the WAVE caused to the jet-ski. Bloody thai fuckers. Bloody thai weather.

We call it the "Five Thousand Baht Wave".

And we missed our stipulated flight yesterday and had to buy new tickets. Bah.

I am just so sick of so many things. I felt like I lost a friend. You know the chinese phrase "kan cuo ren (misjudged someone) " ? That's how I'm feeling right now. But I guess I should've seen it a long long time ago.

I know I'm nice and easy, but don't insult my character. Everyone has their limits, and I've been pushed too far this time.

I hate having to make so much effort just to try and maintain the friendship. I'm sick of compromising and giving in when the other party doesn't appreciate it at all. And I've taken enough direct and indirect verbal assaults.

You know, sometimes people are just too absorbed in their own little perfect world to see things from another perspective. And sometimes people just don't understand the basic nature of friendships.

I'm going to stop now, because I know if i don't, I will never. I know the post is offending but I'm beyond caring. This is what I have to say.

2006-07-03T09:52:00.000+08:00

Because HE lives, I can face tomorrow.

2006-07-02T20:17:00.000+08:00

I ate two bowls of soto at Yeni's today and three bowls of beehoon at my aunt's. I am so bloated now, I think I'm going to die.

Went to the Fire Conference last night at the Indoor Stadium where Rev Reinhard Bonnke was preaching and it was really good. I'm so happy for Wind :) anyway, she came over after that and stayed until 4am and we're both so tired today :(

Suddenly it feels as if I've got nothing to blog or talk about :\ ahh forget it.

2006-06-29T11:44:00.000+08:00

Yay ! Love it. :)

Today I have a major Environmental Science test, Midterms in fact, tested on 6 chapters and I have yet to begin studying.

Plus I have some other organic food labeling assignment to do, which makes up 15% of the whole paper. So I went to the market to get some organic yogurt which I thought had some signs on the label, but I don't know how to research for such stuff. I am so lost. I barely know what the hell we're supposed to do.

And to top things off, I overslept this morning's English class, where Yeni's gonna present her powerpoint. Was fully intending to wake up early and go so that I could support her, but nah. I slept all the way until 945. :(

I can't wait for today to be over, everything seems to be going wrong :(

Tomorrow, some charity event with Daphne and Yeni. Except that I don't know if I can go... :( sounds so fun. !

2006-06-25T21:52:00.000+08:00

Early this morning, Wind & I took the ferry to find Yeni in Batam and god it was SUCH a long, tiring day :( but it was fun though.. Batam's a pretty nice place with great views.

Was supposed to get home by dinnertime so that I could rush my paper tonight, but we only just got home now :(

There's a lot of things going on in my family right now so everyone's kinda sad.. not good. And I miss my parents so much; Dad will be in Beijing until late August and Mum's in China as well.. supposed to come back on the 2nd of July but she says she'll be extending her stay there.

And so now I'm left with a hundred dollars to last me until Mum comes back, and I wonder how am I supposed to survive.

Wind's starting school again tomorrow :( no more late night snuggles.

2006-06-21T21:24:00.000+08:00

so i've been spending the last hour and a half cruising through all the fansites of both paris and nicole to listen to their songs, and ive even went to youtube to check out paris' newest music video, Stars are Blind, and just like what Daphne said, the whole video is soft porn. throughout the whole thing i thought she shouldve had sex with the guy, might as well.

im seriously considering about buying the Louis Vuitton multicolore Speedy 30 in black, ive liked that bag in ages. and after a while the white doesn't seem that great after all, it looks so old. mum is so gonna flip.

according to celebworld.org, people are actually bidding for Angie and Brad's kid, Shiloh's POOPY DIAPER ! And one mentally disturbed, crazy guy actually bid US$348,000 for that gross piece of shit. (literally) oh my god. what is the world coming to ? that guy says that the shit from Shiloh is actually Angelina's breastmilk in a 'modified form', and that he'll be one of the few men who would be able to taste Angelina's breastmilk. And also he says he's 'eagerly anticipating' tasting the shit, holy cow. he has issues. seriously.

i was so grossed out after reading that bit of news. im kinda disappointed in the male gender. like what i always said, people should be homosexual and girls should be lesbians. that would make the world right.

i miss mum. :(

off to play maple now, later :)

2006-06-20T16:01:00.000+08:00

I don't know why but my blogger page is all in Chinese. :( never mind.

You know what, I hate myself sometimes. I had a class at 3, and was FULLY intending to attend it, but I was in sucha dilemma about what to wear that I missed it. I am so upset :( was going to leave the house at 230, but the interior designer came and wanted to talk to me about our room which we are renovating, and the meeting dragged on till 3. Told myself to rush, but none of my clothes seem to be suitable today.

Help please someone. Save me from myself.

Wind says I whine a lot. She said I'm spolit and pampered, and I guess I can't disagree. I think I'm even more spolit now than ever. I threw a tantrum the other day when I wanted to buy Ben & Jerry's in my favorite flavor, Chunky Monkey but Mum didn't allow me to, reminding me about the diet I was supposed to be on. Rahh !!

Anyway Mum left for Shanghai+Beijing this morning, will be gone for ten days. :D

I am so bored today. :( Charm was supposed to meet me but I don't think she can anymore, so I think I'm meeting Daphne for dinner instead, but I've got like four hours to kill. Honestly I feel like partying tonight but I don't think clubs are open on Tuesdays. I hate Tuesdays. More than I hate Mondays. :( Tuesdays are like, the middle of the week. How crummy.

Mum says I've to go to Helioasia for a facial and do some whitening shit, she hates my tan. I do too. I've got to remember to bring & put on sunblock with SPF 130 the next time we go wakeboarding. Tch. Now I look like my skin's made of dirt.

I need friends, shopping, and entertainment. In that order.

2006-06-19T10:14:00.000+08:00

I am in English class ! :) we're all working on our paper, and I'm pretty excited about it, I dont know why. Everyone else is at least halfway done with their first drafts, and all I've done is my first paragraph. Somehow I have such great faith that I will complete my paper on time, and that my teacher will love it, since she loved my outline.

Anyway, watched R.V on Saturday with Alyssa, Wind, her cousin and Ben, after watching them play Maple. It's so cute ! :D and the movie is so funny. I love it :)

Went for breakfast with Mum and Alyssa at Swissotel on Sunday morning before heading to church.. Was SO tired. :( Church was good, but for some reason I missed Dad a lot. Ate lunch with the usual crowd, and watched Garfield. I loved it !!! Garfield is so cute. Everyone should see it. It's not stupid, really. It's good :D

Went shopping with Mum after that. Mum got herself a bag from Etro, which was really nice.. and we both bought a few pieces from alldressedup. The Link has gorgeous Chloe pieces which were on fifty percent discount but they didn't have smaller sizes :(

And she surprised me by getting me the Chanel quilted bag in pink, which I saw with Daphne and Yeni a couple of days ago. She's so nice. I don't know what came over her. And here I was telling myself that I will NOT buy anymore bags this year. :(

I need to go on a shopping diet. :(

2006-06-11T22:17:00.000+08:00

My mum asked me why am I so fascinated about Mao.

I don't have a straight answer, but for some reason I've been strangely attracted to him since the first time I read about him in Primary Six.. People usually say he's a tyrant who destroyed nearly all of China's cultural relics and thoughts, and also the lives of millions. But behind his iron-clad cold-bloodedness I've always felt he was different.. I admired his toughness, resilience and brilliance. Not many of China's leaders had been able to rule China in such a way, and to leave an impact so deep even generations after his death.

He was so brilliant and talented.. He is one of the most talented people I've ever read about. He wrote numerous philosophical treatises, was a master at calligraphy, and a poet. I love his poems. They show his vulnerable side. He was also an outstanding military strategist, known for his expertise in guerrilla warfare which won him his victory over the Nationalists.

He adjusted the idea of Communism and created an all new school of thought: Maoism, a deviant from the traditional Communism. Even until now, there are still people in the world who follow his ideas. How's that for influential ? :)

He was known for his physical fitness, he used to swim the length of the filthy Yangtze River despite his age. And I know for a fact he also did climb nearly half of Huangshan Mountain in Anhui Province on foot, because when I was on that mountain the guide told us so, and even showed us pictures. He almost never slept all his life. " Exercising sovereignty over clock and calendar Mao got used to an almost daylight-independent 30h day rhythm, forcing China's political elite to be at his disposal at any time, day or night. He followed no schedule except on May Day, National Day and the rare occasion of receiving foreign visitors." (The Private Life od Chairman Mao, by Dr. Li Zhishui)

What really fascinates me is how he is so involved, yet so emotionally detached from all his doings. Had he ever realized the sufferings he had implicated upon others ? All my sources stated that all his life Mao was emotionally impassive. He never seemed to be affected by any personal tragedies among his lovers nor companions, neither did he seem to think twice about sending his old comrades into exile. He was known to lead a life without friends..

Yet despite this extreme coldness of behavior and almost inhuman characteristics Mao did show some very limited amount of care and love. He tried to spare his wives the knowledge of his numerous love affairs..Well he wasn't exactly a good, monogamous husband but at least he wasn't mean enough to rub it in their faces. And I sort of believe that his icy demeanor and impassiveness could be attributed to his early personal tragedies of losing his children, brother, and wife to war and revolution.

And I believe what he has done to China wasn't all that bad. True, he killed tons of people. And lost a whole generation to the Cultural Revolution. But imagine China without his deeds.. It would still be at the mercy of those cowardly Western forces. It would be in a mess. From a Christian perspective, he indirectly allowed Christ to come into the lives of millions (this would take another long post to explain), from a secular perspective, he had created a unified China.

A paper on a world leader, eh ? I'm already halfway done. ;)

2006-06-11T19:10:00.000+08:00

I haven't been online in ages, since like last wednesday or something. I don't know why but days seem to pass so slowly recently. :\ not that it's a bad thing.. but there's just some stuff i'm kinda looking forward to :)

Dinner with the girls was great, we hadn't really got together since Daph and Yen came back. Ate at Whitebait & Kale and had lots of fun just talking for hours.. and earlier that day I went shopping with Wind and bought another polo dress from the Chick by Nicky Hilton line, in seafoam green ! :) Honestly, I feel like a secretary slut in that dress.

Class is okay, I kinda like my new Environmental Science class. The professor's so wacky, she sent all twelve of us out to interview EVERYONE we could find within half an hour about organic food. :D English class is so unbearably boring.. and I can't believe the first research paper is due next week ALREADY, barely two weeks after the class started. :
Gonna go to the Library to borrow books on Mao Ze Dong again, the teacher's anal about the book sources. :( I know. I'm writing on Mao again, probably for the 3rd time. I think I know enough about him to write his biography. I wish I could just pass off one of my older papers as this semester's paper :(

Had lunch with the church people today and for some reason I really enjoyed it today. Took silly neoprints, because Sherly wanted them.. and it was oh my god so stressful. Never mind :D

Anyway, going off for dinner with my family in five. Later ! :)

2006-06-07T21:39:00.000+08:00

Shopping today ! :) i came back with a polo dress, a Tarina Tarantino headband, and a pair of Charlotte Ronson shorts, all from Eclecticism in Mandarin Shopping Arcade, a shawl by Contact from Quintessential, and adidas shoes. I know. I never would've thought I'd ever own a pair of Adidas shoes.

Earlier today I met up with Floren for lunch, was good talking to her. We had prayer meeting with Joe and Sylvie at my house, and had singing lesson. Speaking of which, Alyssa left for Czech Republic yesterday, with the rest of her choir mates for choir competition. Ohh my precious, talented sister !

I already miss her :(

Anyway went shopping with Charm, whom I haven't seen in AGES, had SO much fun ! Honestly speaking I feel so lost shopping without her. Had coffee, updated each other. Tomorrow, dinner with the girls. I haven't met up with Daphne and Yeni this week yet.

Oooh I'm so satisfied with my buys, I don't even know what to wear tomorrow ! :D

I'm sorry about my last post, there are some things i shouldn't have said because I know, I shouldn't even be involved in the first place.. I'm sorry if it's hurtful in any way. I didn't mean it to be. Thinking back about it now, friendships aren't meant to be ended just like that.. just because of a misunderstanding. I don't want you to end this friendship :\ I didn't misunderstand you. I just insisted on being bitchy, I'm sorry. It would be nice if we were to be friends, honestly. I've always wanted to meet you.

People, it's official. I'm over my moody period ! :)

2006-06-05T17:11:00.000+08:00

First day of school today, had English class today. Which wasn't good, my classmates are so unappealing. I know I'm bitchy, but I felt so relieved when my cousin Jessica walked in, turns out that she's taking the same class as me, which made things so much more bearable. She wants to drop the class though, she says it's bullshit and I agree, but I've already told myself that I WILL work harder this semester. ahh nevermind.

Wind picked me up and headed to Escape. So bloody hot it was ridiculous. I liked the wet ride, even though the water's filthy.

Was supposed to play CS with them and Alyssa who joined us at the park, but was too tired and annoyed. So we just bought Spy's food and other hamster stuff, we ran out of sustenance for them.

I'm so damn irritated now. I've been spending the last one hour trying to book flights for Dad who is visually impaired, Singapore Airlines has horrible customer service. I've been calling and calling for the last forty-five minutes and when I yelled at the service guy all he said was "we've been having a massive amount of imcoming calls". he was still nice despite the shit I gave to him.

And I've been itching for a shower since I came home at 445pm, and a nap.

I feel so bad about Wind, who I dropped off at Cine due to my last minute decision. I didn't mean to :\ I don't know why but I feel like I've become even MORE spoilt than what I used to be, I get so pissed and throw tantrums whenever I don't get the things I want. I don't know why :
And I would've thought that someone who've claimed to want to end a friendship would've stuck by that decision, it's getting annoying when that person keeps harping on and on about stuff that don't really matter. Live peacefully goddammit ! Why can't we just co-exist peacefully instead of finding things to pick on. It's getting old. Tch.

It's probably none of my business, I know, but I can't help my nosey self from being indignant on the behalf of my loved one.

2006-06-02T17:48:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling so ratty now it isn't even funny. Yesterday was a long day, ended with a party at MoS, the True Religion fashion show to be exact. Went down with Daphne, her mum got us invites. The models are hot, and the champagne was good and we danced for a while in Studio 54 - I really missed that, and got home early at 1am.

Talked to Ho Yeow Sun, who happened to be the owner of the boutiques, who seemed pretty nice, and fake (well they all are anyway, aren't they?), and i just really hate her stupid American accent which is obviously fake, and her whole "I'm-young-and-hip !" show. SO not.

Have been hanging out with Daphne pretty often during the past week ever since she came back, and both of us felt the same way. I don't exactly feel lonely, cause I have Wind, who is like already a part of me. She's just.. there you know. I know I can count on her to be there for me, in a way, she fills up my life. But there's just another small part which I know is unfulfilled.. The need for bosom friends, and a fruitful life.

AH never mind. I am NOT having a mid-life crisis.

ANYWAY. I woke up SO early today, at 8. Rushed all the way cause I was supposed to meet Wind for breakfast - she wanted McDonald's but the one in Taka is so lousy it doesn't even serve breakfast.

Watched She's the Man, finally ! I've to admit, Amanda Bynes looks fat. Not because of her body, but because of her face. I don't know if it's just me, or does her features look swollen ? Her cheeks seem to be on the verge of swallowing her eyes.

Played CS again after that - Cine level 9 is my new second home. I've been spending HALF my life there playing those annoyingly addictive computer games with Wind and Alyssa my sister who is addicted to it as well, thanks to yours truly. :(

And had singing lesson, blah blah, now waiting for piano teacher to come. HE IS LATE !

Tonight, steamboat at Sherly's place with the cell group. Yay !

2006-05-26T10:22:00.000+08:00

Yay I've just removed the stitches on my gum ! :)

Mum is back from Indo, now sitting across me talking on the phone in her shower cap.

Yesterday was a whole day of errands, took Dad all over the place because it was inconvenient for him to go alone due to his condition. He gave me a dvd, The Da Vinci Code Deception, which I watched later in the night. It was good, and something everybody should see so that they do not get the wrong info about Christianity from Dan Brown's blasphemous book.

School is starting the week after next and I can't wait.

And Daphne is coming back in three days ! :)

Ah I feel like I'm becoming so boring now. So are my entries. No more controversies :(

I've been wanting to wear my Miu Miu heels, my favorite shoes, but I always seem to lazy :( all I wanna wear these days are my Havaianas flip flops. Speaking of which, Wind bought a green pair similar to mine from the Brazil collection !

I wanna go to Bali. :)

2006-05-24T16:26:00.000+08:00

I went out with Charmaine for lunch today. Haven't seen that girl in the LONGEST time, I've been too caught up in my school stuff and self-wallowing to meet up with her. Comparing to how we used to meet each other every other day.. we met so often that we never did have to communicate via telephone, SMS or MSN.

Walked around Mandarin Shopping Arcade, saw the pair of gorgeous Chloe flats which I've been lusting after, but I've told myself NEVER to splurge SGD750 on a pair of shoes without a heel. If only Chloe will give me those flats as a birthday present. :(

Club21 just sent an email about their Yoga workshop at Como Shambhala, which I am planning to sign up for.

I've officially transferred to CAE for school. Yay !! I'll hang out with the South Asian crowd again ! I have a feeling I'll be smoking sheesha and going to Indian clubs more often now. :D

Gonna go pick Wind up from school now. Later !

2006-05-22T20:09:00.000+08:00

I wanna be your ONLY priority. -grins

Today, went to check out the schools I wanna go, this PSB Academy thing which really sucked, Overseas Family School where I planned to redo high school and get a good IB grade so I can go to Stanford - silly, I know, and to SIM, where we met with the director with my mum. Which went pretty bad.. I was pissed at what the director said and we raised our voices against each other and I walked out of the meeting.

Oh well. :)

After my little tantrum we went home. And went out to meet Wind to talk and breathe some fresh air. Ate my fish beehoon and took a long, leisurely stroll back to my house.

This whole school thing is really irritating. I knew my mum would never let me major in History, and even if she did, there's no international universities available in Sg which offer that major. It's ALL Business and Communication. Just now the director of the program I was in in SIM advised me to change my major to Comm, and I said, over my dead body. I hate writing journalism shit. I'd much rather write about stuff that matters..

Funny, months ago before school was out for summer I was itching for the finals to be over, cause I thought I'll be partying every night. Now I completely lost my party mood. And holiday mood. All I want is to be under my blanket and sleep my life away.

I know I've been a hermit lately, I haven't been replying messages and meeting up with people. The only person I've been meeting is Wind and that is because usually, I'm too emotionally frazzled to deal with meeting anyone else. I don't exactly want to break down in the middle of a coffee or sheesha session with my friends. I'm sorry if I haven't been myself lately, I will make it up to you guys once I'm over this phase.

Daddy's back, and I'm really glad he is. Without him the house seems to be lacking of something especially important. He annoys Mummy and Mummy annoys him, and it leads to sometimes heated arguments. Still, it's better than having an empty, quiet house.

Maybe it's just me, but I cannot stand living in a house with barely five other people. I think it's because I'm used to living with my aunts and uncles since I was a baby. There's ALWAYS at least 8 people living together with me at any one time (excluding the servants). Which is good :) I love big families ! What's the point of having a big, nice house with no warmth and no love to fill it ?

I've also realized something, especially during the past week. No matter what happens, family is still family. Maybe I've had some friction with a family member, but ultimately I would still give her my support when she needs it. Especially when someone says something really nasty and stinging about our family. We will stand together and defend each other. Blood, after all, is thicker than water.

2006-05-21T21:55:00.000+08:00

Oh God I am SO lusting after the new LV multicolore Franges Speedy that Gisele's carrying. !

Watched the Da Vinci Code with a whole bunch of people - my church friends. It was really good, brilliant I must say, although we were forced to sit at the 2nd row, and was practically craning our neck towards the screen the whole time.

It all comes down to the level of faith you have about your beliefs, and at the end of the day I'm glad we all were able to enjoy the movie even though we believe otherwise. No matter what, in my heart He is still my Saviour.

Charlina came back from LA ! :D Yeni's already back, and Daphne's coming back. School's out for SUMMER !

I'm withdrawing from SIM's University at Buffalo (New York) programme. It's the last straw, I've tolerated all these boring business bullshit long enough to burn the ends of my already very short fuse. You know, I have no second thoughts whatsoever. The only thing I feel is LIBERATION, from an oppressive environment, the boring-est major in the whole WORLD, and unappealing classmates. Well, majority of them anyway. Yayyy !! :D

I'm so gonna change my major. I don't care if it's already my second year into Business Admin., I'm gonna pursue my passion. History :) Was discussing with my art tutor, who got a Master's in Art History, and she suggested I do Art History as well, instead of Fine Arts, which was my intended. I'm thinking of Christian History too, it'll be fun. Or Christian Art History ? I'm sure there's a nicer, more 'professional' name for that.

Fuck Business Admin. I don't need that shit to get rich.

Now, I just have to convince Mummy that pursuing History won't be a one-way ticket to poverty.

Daddy's coming back from Beijing tonight, I miss him so :)

I need to do something with my laptop. It's so full of viruses and so unbelievably SLOW help please someone !

Yesterday I went for Winda's friend, Jacqueline's chalet and it was pretty fun, even though I barely knew anyone there. It was so nice, hugging my lover on the beach, looking at the starry night. For a moment, it felt as if we were the only ones that mattered.. and existed in this world. No one will ever come in between us, because we are of one heart, one mind and one soul. :)

We'll probably burn in hell together as well.

2006-05-18T20:27:00.000+08:00

hello everyone, i've been back since the 12th, and that's six days ago. i've been too lazy to go online and do anything else except sleep. and now i have to reboot my laptop cause it's so problematic, and i have no idea whatsoever what the hell reboot means, and what i'm supposed to do.

anyway, i extracted my wisdom tooth today. whoever said that wisdom tooth extraction doesn't hurt is a big liar, cause it hurts like seven hells. my mum made an appointment for me and didn't tell me that i was going to have my tooth extracted, until the dentist told me, five minutes prior to the surgery. :(

it's been bleeding since 5pm in the afternoon and now its 8.28pm and it's not showing any signs of stopping. :(

there is SO MUCH to update i don't even know where to start.

but i'm really glad to be back, because i get to see and be with my love, winda, who insists that i should blog more about her. hahahah ! i'm just kidding dear, i'm blogging about you out of my own free will :) honest.

it seemed like an eternity, these twelve days we were separated. and the day we met each other again was so wonderful :) it was as if we never parted at all. i missed you a lot.

two days ago, went with wind to accompany yeni wakeboarding. and made a last minute decision to try it, so i jumped into the water with my miss60 pants. it was REAALLY fun, and tiring. and kinda scary.. especially the part where i fell forward instead of backwards. i'm really glad i tried it though.. i'm gonna master it. -determined

today i went out with wind again, ate lunch and played xbox, winning eleven. it's so much fun playing with her, she gets so agitated whenever the other team scores :D

tonight, gonna watch over the hedge with my sister. aunt got us free tickets ! unfortunately i won't be able to snack during the movie because of my darned bleeding gums, which hurt like fuck.

anyway, i'm updating my ipod mp4. and checking my blog which i've abandoned for ages.. yeni says that my font is too small, so i'll be making some changes as well.

gotta go catch a movie :D

daph, i miss you !! hurry come back to us ! :D

2006-05-07T10:11:00.000+08:00

I am very upset. My fucked up laptop can't access my own blog so I can't see all the tags. I feel so disconnected with the rest of the world :(

My life is SO AIMLESS here man. all i do is shop and eat and sleep, do massages(everyday!), play PSP until my eyes go blind, and whine at my parents. :(

my mum bought the Fendi Spy in white lambskin which I'm so gonna use. :D

Okay, I'm going back to my life of decadence.

2006-05-06T18:23:00.000+08:00

Okay right now I'm in my house in Beijing, my favorite city in the world, typing on the laptop i specially bought to connect with the rest of the world. It's already my 9th day here, and I'm extending my stay to the 10th.

Just came back from Hunan last night where I went with Mum for official business, and I'm so damn tired. :(

Shit man I don't know what else to do anymore to drive away my boredom :( I've shopped too much, and played too much PSP. And I'm still feeling the heartache - two days ago while playing my Winning Eleven soccer game I accidentally scored for the other team, causing my team (Japan) to lose the match and I'm still so upset until now. It's trivial I know, but I'm still pissed at my stupid fingers.

I think I spent too much here. I've bought the Ipod Video, the circular Ipod speakers, the Playstation Portable in white (limited edition!), plus Winning Eleven game, 2 Hermes scarves, a Voice Recorder for my singing lessons, and the Fendi Spy in white leather that I'm supposed to share with my mum. The Hermes store here in Beijing had the Birkin in Ostrich skin and do you know how RARE it is to see it on display ? I don't even think you can get it even if you're on the waiting list. Was persuading my reluctant mum to buy it, and I think she would have if it wasn't for the hefty price tag.

Okay. going out for dinner now, later.

2006-04-26T11:44:00.000+08:00

oh my GOD i am so glad most of my papers are done - ive been studying like a mad fuck the past couple of days. accounts was okay, psych was fucked, totally. didn't even intend to do the exam, it was only ten minutes prior to the exam that i decided to, so rushed to school in TEN MINUTES.

now i only have marketing exam in two hours, and my life officially begins :D yayy !!

charm's working at dolce, how nice. visited her yesterday at the shop and she was so shocked it was funny. hahahah :D there is this really nice dolce bag i want, in white or red, but they didn't have it in the store. god, i even DREAMT of it.

yeni & daphne's coming back soon ! i am so excited. i miss them :(

im flying to beijing tomorrow to meet my mum, say hello to roasted PEKING DUCK ! yummmmy. was supposed to fly to hk today with her, but i have an exam to do. there goes my shopping :( will be back in sgp in a week :D

ahhh i cannot wait till my last paper is over. i am already in a holiday mood, the kind of mood i always seem to be in. :D

2006-04-19T22:03:00.000+08:00

I wanna buy this really cute little Crumpler bag that I saw my art teacher carrying, but both Charm and Winda are both so adamant that I don't suit it. :( They said I don't suit ANY sling bag which costs less than a grand, but I really wanna get a nice cheap bag that I can throw around and carry in the rain without worrying about the stains it'll leave. :(

It's so annoying how I can't find THE perfect cheap bag although I've been bag-hunting all over town for the past few weeks. :( I like the Crumpler but people says it looks common.. EXACTLY what I want ! :D

I'm just in the mood to be ALL-AVERAGE, don't ask why. I'm sick of people identifying me with my clothes and bags and shoes, it's so insulting sometimes. And there's nothing sadder than to be defined by the bag you're carrying.

Anyway, my last paper is on Wednesday. So am going over to Beijing on Thursday and I CAN'T WAIT ! :D I love China, have I ever said that ? Gonna visit my daddy who's getting treatment from an acupuncture specialist there for his eyes and I miss him SO much. :)

PS: Hallucinating is not as fun as it seems, it actually scares you shitless. :(

2006-04-17T19:08:00.000+08:00

You know, all these years I've always been weighed down by the restrictions (or so I thought) of my beliefs.. But I've realized that there's just a lot of things which just cannot be categorized.

Tattoos for one, all along I thought that they were wrong, and against God and the Bible. But I've realized that no.. As long as we don't ink cultish or Satanic symbols on ourselves. Again, it all comes down to your motive behind getting a tatt. For me it was because of the symbol (it's a cross with wings at the sides), and the fun of it. It was never about showing it off to the opposite sex (or the same.. for my case), because I hardly ever show it off. People know I wear decent clothes. :D It's the lying and hiding you've gotta do that's wrong, if you have conservative parents. Fortunately for me, my parents are liberal enough to accept a black cross above my vagina :D

I've heard a lot of people tell me that Christians aren't supposed to club because it's wrong. This I don't understand. To me, getting drunk, losing control and doing things that you KNOW you're not supposed to (eg, one night stand) is wrong. I believe that as long as we stick to the good, clean fun, why should clubbing be wrong ? I love dancing, and I love my girl-friends. So I love dancing with my girl-friends. Whatever I do, I answer directly to God. A clear conscience is all I need. (I feel retarded putting the hypen,- between the words 'girl' and 'friends' but I really hope people get it right)

There are things, however, which the Bible clearly says will not please God. No amount of excuses can justify those.

PS: All these only apply to Christians and these are my perceptions. To each its own. :)

Anyway I've been feeling pretty dead the past two weeks but I'm ALIVE again ! I'm so excited, and so unbelievably positive about everything, anything. It's good :D

I love my mummy, she's the best ever. Not because she bought me a beautiful pink Loewe bag with costed her four grand just because I was sad, which she did, but because she's just so sweet now.

She never did use to trust me, but that was because I was either a) out drinking and smoking, or b) falling in love with a girl. I guess she had every reason to NOT trust me.. but now she does ! :) Her trust is the best gift ever.

And, I've cleaned up my act. YAY !

By the way, I went to Desaru last Thursday with the IFGF for church retreat which was WONDERFUL, I feel SO refreshed, and just got back on Saturday.

I've just found out from a classmate that Finals start next Tuesday. Holy cow I didn't even KNOW, and here I was flashing my (and my mummy's) plastic and going overseas for a holiday.

(I've only attended Psychology class FIVE TIMES out of all the sessions in the semester, and I've turned in blank papers for my exams. My marketing attendance could be counted on two hands and the number of my absences far outnumber my attendance. So now you see why I'm getting worried.)

Blackjack's 10th anniversary this Thursday ! Sounds like fun. :)

2006-04-16T00:15:00.000+08:00

i guess there's no point in talking about circumstances anymore.. cause we've both made our choice.

we've had 7 wonderful months.. just like what i said we would have, didn't i ? taking risks and giving our all, it was worth every single tear that was shed

we're separated, for now

we're separated, physically
but our hearts beat as one, and no one can separate that

the future is uncertain, but
i trust you, and i have faith in our promise

wherever you are, whatever you're doing,
just know that my heart beats for you alone

i love you.

2006-04-07T23:42:00.000+08:00

I live life on the edge I make big mistakes, I recover from them only to make the same mistakes again. Lines and joints, my vice of choice, the vice i love which ive abstained from for a period of time. Legal or otherwise, only God can judge me.

never thought of rehab before because I strongly believe in mind over substance, and it's just pretty insulting when people start labeling me as a druggie.

Ugh. Nevermind.

I won't ever quit for anybody. i will only quit for myself.

Today, jammed with the guys. I need to practice my drums before my skills seriously start going down the drain. It feels good tho after so long..

Wind came to my school today, and I finally completed my pain-in-the-ass Marketing essay, which I started barely 24 hours ago, AND my Marketing group presentation. am feeling pretty damn good, all I have left to do is to draw up the fucking Gantt Chart and history paper. :)

Finished touching up the canvas, Chris took a pic of it and sent it for printing. And I must say that the colors and the blending turns out great on the cards.. Yay !

Sheesha and dinner with Ilma and Sajib and the others tomorrow, I can hardly wait. I haven't seen them in a MILLION years I wonder how they are ! They're going clubbing after and I kinda feel like joining them cause they are the best people to club with :D

Finals in two weeks. I am so glad this semester's gonna be over, I need a break, seriously.

DAPH & YEN: let's organize our own rave party. you bring the drinks, i bring the pills. -grins

help, people :(

2006-04-07T23:23:00.000+08:00

He whom the Son sets free, is free indeed.
John 8:36

Once upon a time,
Not so long ago
Tommy used to work on the docks,
Union’s been on strike
He’s down on his luck...it’s tough, so tough
Gina works the diner all day
Working for her man, she brings home her pay
For love - for love
She says we’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got
’cause it doesn’t make a difference
If we make it or not
We’ve got each other and that’s a lot
For love - we’ll give it a shot

oooh we're halfway there,
living on a prayer
take my hand and we'll make it i swear
oooh living on a prayer

we've got to hold on ready or not
we live for the fight when it's all that you've got.

One way or another, we're gonna make it work.

2006-04-01T23:26:00.000+08:00

So I was just talking to Charles over MSN a minute ago and we were discussing about our fashion preferences.. He never ceases to amaze me with his confident style. He knows more about fashion and cult labels than I do.. or at least I think he does. Anyway, he has agreed to get Tsubis from Melbourne since he's going back there in two weeks and I am so excited about it :D

Thursday night, drinks at One Rochester with dearest girlfriends Charm and Daphne. Had a pretty unpleasant encounter with the Hoegaarden.. We ordered the Forbidden Fruit and found that we didn't like it. After a round of club hopping we ended up at Thumper - the place Akash suggested for Thursday nights. The band was good, the crowd was hot and the music's pumping. Next time we'll hit Thumper on Thursdays !

Last night, MoS with Wind, Daphne and some other people. Booked our table but got escorted into Pure, and all I wore was a navy tank, knee-length faded jeans and Vans canvas slip-ons. We must've been the youngest in the place, the 25&ABOVE age restriction just didn't apply to us. :)

Sadly the familiar faces of the staff at Pure were gone.. Only Phoenix was there and apparently the rest were transferred to Sky.Was offered entry to SKY but the place was too packed. So, we had a Graveyard and hit the main arena, but somehow the music's better on Thursdays. Maybe because I'm so used to clubbing on Thursdays. But it was good anyhow :D Akash came and joined us and we had fun.

Went back and spent the night with Wind, who was pretty much gone. She forced me to drink a bottle of Bacardi because she said its unfair how she's so drunk but I'm still so sober. Hahah ! Had a great time.. :) and hit town the next day. Watched Ice Age 2 ! :)

AND ! I'm done with my History powerpoint. I am SO glad. Now I only have my 1000word summary for Marketing due on Wed. :(

I love you, so much. :)

2006-03-27T22:04:00.000+08:00

Saturday, had dinner with Daphne and Charm at Les Amis the Canteen, and had drinks at the AlleyBar. We all had too much to drink.. And after a while we decided to fuck the bar and hit the club, so we went to the Liquid Room. :D got home early cause I had to wake up early the next morning to go to church.

Hung out with Ci Ling2 and Winda and friends after and had a lot of fun, watched 13th District. Which was REALLY good. Had dinner and went home. Rushed my history paper and FINALLY got it done this morning. :D :D :D yayyyy !

Mum and Dad are both in Beijing, and I kinda miss them. :
Can't wait for thursday, I miss Pure.

2006-03-23T12:02:00.000+08:00

So now I'm in school, with an hour and forty five minutes to kill before Psych class. Am seriously contemplating if I should go cause it's SUCHA unnecessary waste of time. . :(

Just had lunch with Akash, whom my Stats prof. pranked. It was so stupid but funny, when my prof told me to prank on Akash. And poor guy looked so bewildered when he was told to leave the group. Sometimes harmless jokes are just carried too far.

It's been such a long time since I updated about this kinda stuff, for the past few days all I've been posting are depressing entries. But now things are much better I guess, at least they're not blown out of proportions. it does however, feel like a time bomb, knowing that one fine day, everything's just gonna explode in my face.

Daphne is coming back this Saturday and I can hardly wait ! :D It'll be so much fun.. except that I have TONS of work to do in these two weeks. I have:
- History research paper, due coming Monday
- Accounts report, due coming Tuesday
- History test this Friday,
- History presentation
- Marketing presentation, and
- Stats/Comp presentation.

The bulk of it's all due early next week. Help !!! :( I am so sick of school, seriously. I need a break.

You know these few days I've completely transformed into a student. At least student-looking. So many people were shocked when I told them that I'm barely eighteen, everyone thought I was 21. TWENTY-ONE ! I don't wanna be afflicted with premature aging ! :( I'm even thinking of cutting my hair shorter, around the shoulder blades, in an attempt to look my age. I've stopped carrying my LVs and Pradas and dug out my good old Quiksilver oversized vintage leather bag.

Smoking up this weekend :D lines and joints, it's been too long.

:D

2006-03-20T21:53:00.000+08:00

You know, I thought friends were supposed to be there for each other, to believe in them when no one else does, and to support them even though the future seems impossible. It really hurts when a dear friend dashes your dreams and kills your hopes.. especially when you thought that he/she'll understand.

I believe that the future is ours to make. We might not achieve what we want, but at least we tried. And that's all that matters. If we get hurt, that's that. Life isn't a bed of roses.

I am an idealist as well. I believe in love. I believe in true, unfaltering love. To others it'll seem absurd, but I know I would die for the person I love. How do I know ? Because I believe I know myself better than you think you do.

Who are you to dismiss her beliefs and hopes as childish ? You are not her. You are merely a spectator.

The world is so hard, so cynical. So heartless and faithless. I don't care. As for me, I'd rather live in hope than to be one of those world weary cynics. I'd rather face a future of happiness than to dismiss every single dream as silly. We dare to dream, we dare to hope. Do you ?

Reading what she wrote on her blog tore my heart apart.

2006-03-12T21:05:00.000+08:00

The heart takes a long time to die.

Till then.. I guess I won't be updating much anymore. I need some time to find myself back again.

2006-03-05T22:42:00.000+08:00

Moon River,
Wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style, someday
Old dream-maker, you heartbreaker,
wherever you're going,
I'm going your way.

Two drifters,
Off to see whe world,
There's such a lot of world to see
We're after the same rainbow's end,
Waiting round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,
Moon river,
and me.

Whenever I hear this song the memories of yesteryears, of those bygone days when life was beautiful in its simplicity, flood back into the recesses of my mind.

You know I don't believe that time can heal everything. In fact I believe that in ignoring pain and distracting oneself in order to 'get over' that pain, it evolves into a haunting memory.

Some things are beautiful, and yet painful. Like high heels. Four-inch heels aren't meant to be comfortable, beautiful as they are. They are painful on our feet not for nothing; the pain is to remind us of their presence; what they're doing for us, what they're giving to us. Every girl feels gorgeous on a pair of Manolos. Without pain, we wouldn't appreciate our beautiful shoes.

You might say that our story was painful, short and stark as it is. So many obstacles and barriers, yet we gave our all. Night after night at least one of us suffered in silence, knowing that the moment of truth is inevitable. Yet when we meet all the troubles go away.. and in its place a bud of happiness is planted. The way we painstakingly plan and lie to others just to meet for a mere few hours.. the clandestine nature of it, the risks we take.. it all serves to remind us of the value, the depth of our relationship. Ours is one where nothing comes easy, where nothing is taken for granted.. where every minute we have left is priceless. For there is nothing.. nothing in this whole world I would ever want in exchange of what we have.

Every romance is beautiful. Some might involve grandiose affairs, passionate declarations of love, and extravagant wedding banquets, while some might only involve quiet strolls along the beach, and a single stalk of rose. Some live happily ever after, and some end with a tragedy. They are beautiful all the same.

And ours? I must say that it was the most beautiful.

It never ceases to amaze me, how heartbreakingly beautiful it is.

2006-03-03T23:40:00.000+08:00

Yesterday night was great meeting up with some of my favorite people :D got our hamster Spy from Agri, got the tank and sawdust and everything which took up half of the day. Later in the night I met up with Charm and had our drinks at Alleybar cause we were craving for Hoegaarden SO badly. Had a nice long talk with her.. Over the most delicious chicken wings. I really do enjoy her company. :)

I've gotta go to school on Monday onwards; my self-declared holiday officially ends today. :
Surprisingly I've found out that I did pretty well for Accounts despite the fact that I left a quarter of the exam blank. And the same goes to Marketing too :)

Today, met up with Melvin for coffee malt and had my usual Friday lessons.. Which led him to say that I was a NO-LIFER. hahahha ! I must agree to a certain extent. My life only begins when school officially closes for the term. SIX MORE WEEKS !

My silly girlfriend and Ben came to pass our lil Spy and played ball at my house.. Suddenly the 'what-ifs' came rushing into my mind and left me thinking about the past, the present and the future. I know the moment of truth is inevitable, and it'll leave the both of us torn, but how I wish we could be how we are now forever and ever. All I can do now is to hope that it'll come later in the year, at the very least. Anyhow we had a good talk which left me feeling much better, the world just seems brighter when we're holding hands. :)

I cannot wait for my B.F.F to come back. Life seems so wrong without her around and man you have no idea how much I miss partying. I've been a hermit these few months since school started in January. :(

You know, good things never last forever. In fact.. I believe that the better it is, the shorter it'll last. It's just like the kick you get when you snort a line of coke, the euphoria lasts only for that moment. I can't hope for much.. neither could I expect. All we can do is to savor every minute we have left and engrave it into our minds as the most beautiful of memories.. the story that we've written together.

I love you.

2006-03-01T19:54:00.000+08:00

Midterms are over, and I'm in a party mood. :D so I'm skipping ALL CLASSES on Thursday and Friday as a reward to my hardworking self. :D

This is .. not good. I'm craving for weed, pills, lines. Argh this is the kinda mood that gets me in trouble.. the happy, reckless, impulsive mood. But it feels SO good. I'm high on life. :D

I know I need to kick off my addiction, but this is a vice I love.

2006-02-27T22:37:00.000+08:00

You Are 70% Weird

You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right?
But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!

How Weird Are You?

Omg, I so agree.

OK I am so addicted to all these quizzes, argh !

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this worldSo much so that you tend to live in your head most of the timeYou have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all...But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult
You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you.Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others.Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life.
Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Your Seduction Style: Sex Pot

Tradionally known as a "siren", "rake", or "femme fatale." You exude sensuality.And while your sexiness is part of what makes you an incredible seducer...Your ability to make others feel sexy is what really makes your seduction skills shine.
Most people don't feel attractive or desired enough - a need which you tap into.You have the ultimate sex appeal, and getting attention from you is a total self esteem boost.Your confidence is contagious, and you help others unleash their own sexuality.
Your sex pot seduction skills are so intoxicating that you can get away with... well, almost murder.Lovers feel like your sensuality is in your blood, so it's only natural if you flirt a little.And if you stray, that might be okay as well - as long as you make your lover still feel hot.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

Nice :)

2006-02-27T22:00:00.000+08:00

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have medium extroversion.
You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.
Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.
But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."

Conscientiousness:

You have low conscientiousness.
Impulsive and off the wall, you don't take life too seriously.
Unfortunately, you sometimes end up regretting your snap decisions.
Overall, you tend to lack focus, and it's difficult for you to get important things done.

Agreeableness:

You have high agreeableness.
You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly.
Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone.
You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance.

Neuroticism:

You have high neuroticism.
It's easy for you to feel shaken, worried, or depressed.
You often worry, and your worries prevent you from living life fully.
You tend to be emotionally reactive and moody. Your either flying very high or feeling very low.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

I like the last part, about the openness to experience :) got this from Daphne's site.

Anyway, Stats and World Civ exam today. Stats was fine, surprisingly. I was fully prepared to fail, but I think now I can pass :) YAY ! Psych tomorrow and I haven't even TOUCHED the book yet, oh my god. I barely know ANYTHING about Psych. :(

Mum's coming back tomorrow from Beijing and I can't wait. I miss her so much, the house seems so empty without her !

I haven't been shopping AT ALL, and I am so amazed at myself. Great achievement !

Oh my god me and Wind are going to get hamsters and I'm so excited. :D and stupid girl actually thought that female hamsters have to wear sanitary pads when menstruating.

2006-02-23T12:15:00.000+08:00

Give me a dancefloor,
give me a dj
Play me a record,
Forget what they say,
Cause I need to go,
Need to get away, tonight.

I've decided that I really do NOT want to lose touch and abandon any of my music, these few weeks I've only played the piano a few times a week and barely touched my violin and drums. And I'm doing the exams for Piano, Violin, and Classical Voice this year.. Argh.

I need to find a band who needs a drummer. Any genre will do. A few months back I would've been very opinionated about it, the only few genres I'll play to are progressive rock, and jazz. Now Im so desperate for a band to play with, ANYTHING will do.

I don't want three years of drumming to go down the drain.

Daphne is coming back for Spring Break ! Yay ! :D I miss MoS, I miss PURE, I miss Phoenix and the other servers. I miss having fun with my girls and going for supper after that.

:D I swear, if Daph is staying in SG we would do nothing but club and shop. And of course school.

Schoolwork is irritating. Midterms next week and I barely know anything. And today is the SECOND time in the week that I skipped ALL of my classes for the day.

2006-02-18T16:30:00.000+08:00

Midterms are coming in two weeks. And I still feel as if the term's just started. I hate the quarter system, it's just crazy completing a semester in THREE MONTHS.

Thank god this time I've been making an effort to attend class and study.

Oh and I did a tattoo last Saturday - a black cross with wings at the side, under the navel. Impulse, totally. :D

I really, really miss the adrenaline rush I used to feel whenever I was doing something wrong (i.e, illegal). We only live once and I wanna take a chance with everything.

2006-02-12T22:06:00.000+08:00

Some people tell me, that you're not my kind
And i believe them, but i can't get you out of my mind
Some people tell me that i should stay away
Maybe I will... some other day

Cause it feel right,
And it feels good
And i don't do always that i should
And I know what makes me happy,
And in my heart you're it exactly

I don't wanna do right,
I just want you tonight
Not just only in my dreams,
Save my best behavior, for a little later
Cause I'm only 17
Think i made my mind up, i got time to grow up
Face responsibility
Living in the moment, keeping my heart open
While I'm only 17

I'll learn my lessons, and i'll make mistakes
And If i get burned
it'll be my heart to break
It isn't easy, hearing what they say
Sometimes you've got to take a leap of faith.

Anyone, who's ever been in love,
has got to know
What it means to have a dream.
And no one can say anything
To change my mind,

no, not this time.

Spiral spiral spiral into a life of depravity. -grins

Watch me.

2006-02-04T23:55:00.000+08:00

Okay you know what. I've FINALLY made up my mind :D

Firstly, I'm a control freak. I hate to be to be coerced to do anything and I hate it when things don't go my way. But then, I've decided to LET IT ALL GO.

And being a true blue Sagittarian, I have mad ADD. I get sick of things and people as soon as they came and until something else more interesting comes along. Which, by the way, happens really quickly. And sometimes I feel that I'm too self-sufficient for my own good.. too much pride. I hate the feeling of being dependent, so much that I'd rather give it up than to be reduced to that state.

I HAVE to let it go. I can't stand it

I don't believe in indulging myself anymore.

2006-02-03T22:59:00.000+08:00

He's just the kind of man you hear about
who leaves his family for an easy out
they never saw the signs,
he never said a word
he couldn't take another day.

Carry me to the shoreline,
bury me in the sand.
Walk me across the water
in the writing of a tired hand
you'll see the message getting clearer,
and maybe you'll understand.

Once the stone you're crawling under
is lifted off your shoulders
Once the cloud that's raining
over your head, disappears
the noise that you'll hear
is the crashing down of hollow years.

She's not the kind of girl you hear about
she'll never want another,
she'll never be without
She'll give you all the signs,
she'll tell you everything,
then turn around and walk away.

Carry me to the shoreline,
bury me in the sand.
walk me across the water,
in the echoes of a tired voice
you'll hear the message getting clearer,
and maybe you'll have no choice.

2006-02-02T22:35:00.000+08:00

Winda is annoying. She talks incessantly over the phone and always kicks up a fuss when I don't say bye when I hang up. Even when I meet her she talks and talks and talks until I wanna tell her to shut up.

She sleeps a lot. On weekends she sleeps until late afternoon and sleeps through all phone calls. I know this for a fact because I've experienced it, the intense irritation. She also eats a lot, she always finishes my strawberry ice cream even though she claims that she hates strawberry ice cream.

She is very lame. She tells the lamest jokes that only she herself find funny. Of course we always laugh along with her, cause otherwise she'll feel ostracized. She's also very very childish, even though people always try and phrase it in a nicer way, "childlike mind".

She is never free when I am, and I am never free when she is. I always try to make time for her but it doesn't matter in the end, because she is NEVER free.

She doesn't care about her health and drinks like a mofo. She gets herself drunk and never listens when I tell her to cut down on alcohol.

She is fat. And always try to argue that she's not THAT fat, when she is.

But nevertheless, I love her all the same :) irritating and childish as she is.

2006-02-01T21:35:00.000+08:00

I hate feeling like I'm losing ground, and hopelessly grasping what seems to be diminishing. People say I'm too sensitive but it is EXACTLY this characteristic which helped me out throughout all these years, the asset we all know as the Sixth Sense.

From today onwards I'm changing my focus. Nothing is worth distressing over, nothing is worth my tears. And nothing is worth my committment.

God how I miss those days when I was carefree - and labeled as a slut.

Music is a very important part of me, something that I treasure a lot in my life. Its been my refuge and my only hope for stability. It provides me with the peace of mind that I sorely need. But now.. it's going downhill. When I think about it my heart aches, knowing that I haven't been dedicating enough time and effort to it. And when I try and make myself practice and practice I get so discouraged over the way I've lost touch with it. I don't know what to do with it.. I love music. So much. I have to learn to prioritize.

I need to get my life back on track.

i've been indulging myself way too much.

Shopping today.

Ed Hardy hoodie, and Geisha tunic
JunkFood shirt
Miss Sixty pants
and new havaianas !

2006-01-29T22:02:00.000+08:00

Too many things happened and too long a lapse in updating. So.

During the past few days/weeks, I've:

- bought my yellow Hansel skirt from Felt
- celebrated Charm's birthday, HAPPY 18TH MY LOVE ! :D
- bumped into Chen Han Wei 4 times in the same day, (twice in my gym, twice while shopping at DKNY and D&G)
- did my CNY shopping :D
- watched Memoirs of a Geisha, FINALLY
- watched I Not Stupid
- bought a new Prada SS'06 bag, which is totally an impulse buy, I love :D
- new pair of Miu Miu pumps
- new phone AND new number, and
- collected tons of cash from the Red Packets :D

Not too bad ! :) I've got a WEEK off school for CNY :D I LOVE CNY ! :D Red packets and new things galore !

And I'm really, really glad that Jess and I celebrated CNY at home, here in SG, with the people who love us truly. Last year's was dreadful, all lonely and cold in USA.

School's been great so far.. I've only skipped ONE class so far :D

Mum said the amount I've spent these few days are equivalent to the GDP of a third-world country. Ouch. And she made me promise that I won't shop for the next one year. Double Ouch.

Going out with Mum tomorrow afternoon, wanna bring her to see Geisha again :D she's so cute, she has like this newfound craze over movies and cinemas :D

Sheesha tomorrow. YAY ! :D

HAPPY CNY EVERYONE !! :D Stay young and beautiful :)

2006-01-22T21:28:00.000+08:00

Last night, Zouk with my girls. Went home early though, got home before two. A nice change :)

Today, just like any other shopping day, was fantastic :D came home a happy, satisfied girl :)

Ed Hardy cap, and sweatpants
True Religion Joey jeans
bag from Small Room
Vintage Medallion Belt from SKIN

Spent six hundred bucks on my beautiful finds and in exchange for my happiness. Yes, Material Girl. I know :)

Oh my God I am just SO unbelievably happy today ! :D Shopping does wonders, man. Am already planning my outfit for tomorrow, hahahah ! :D

Yay !! :D funny how some shopping can make me so happy.

I'm easy to please, seriously. Give me the cash and I'll love you forever :D

I've been eating so much Bird's Nest these few days, omg. My whole family's crazy over it, we each drink a bowl every night, and my mum even eats spoonfuls of it during the day. Honestly speaking I hate that stuff. It's bird's PHLEGM, for fuck's sake ! People actually LOVE that shit !

But anyway, Mum force-feeds me every night :( Yeuch.

And she wouldn't stop harping on and on about how Empress Tzu Hsi used to eat it every day to keep herself beautiful. >:( Mums.

Class tomorrow, fuck that. i've had this 'back-to-school' mood for the past week.

Now I've completely lost it.

Ooooh I can't believe how fantastic those True Religion jeans are ! :D

2006-01-20T12:12:00.000+08:00

Recently I've been feeling so depressed and unbelievably lonely. I hate this feeling.

Sheesha-ed with Daphne, Jason, Yeni, Ilma and Sajib.. what a weird combination but it was good :) had a lot of fun ! Went for drinks at Rouge with Daphne and Yeni after that and all three of us got so sad. :( Oh well.

2006-01-18T22:00:00.000+08:00

I guess responsibility comes with age and experience. I know this, because I've finally found my sense of responsibility this year, after being aimless for the past seventeen years. As I grew older I realised that at the end of the day, my life is in my own hands, unsteady as they are.

I used to be extremely reckless and impulsive in my younger days, did anything I wanted to and not giving a heck about the consequences. Did so many things against my conscience, the law and the very basic fundamentals of my religion. The fact that they're taboo made them even more appealing, exactly like the apple in the Garden of Eden. My prepubescent mind just didn't understand why there are certain things that just shouldn't be done. I guess at that point of time I wanted to show how I was different from the masses and tried to manifest it by defying conventions. Became a very adept liar through a lot of practice and compromised my values for the cheap thrills in life.

Fell headfirst into the numerous potholes along the path to self-actualization. Though the pain didn't last long, I know that the scars are already embedded deep within. Unconsciously a new story is written in our hearts and minds with every new experience, regardless of whether its good or bad. These wounds would only open up later in life when our facades finally dissolve, revealing our forms in their barest stages. Without any support to lean on the pain starts afresh, this time even more bitingly painful than the first time round. Our new experiences alter our perceptions, thought, and finally actions. More often than not unpleasant memories are suppressed by us into our personal unconscious mind. So I guess in a way, my experiences as a rebel child made me into the person that I am today.

And I'm thankful for that. For I'd rather grow up knowing the ugly side of life rather than be enclosed and protected to the extent of ignorance. Just like what Fahad always says.. the little 'bubble' that we, especially those who are privileged, are living in. Oblivious to the world and the vice around us. unable to place ourselves in situations where real courage and strength of character are tested.. Oh well. At least now I know what my kids are up to next time.

Now I know what is right and what is wrong. And that is why I am perpetually sad. I've bitten into the forbidden fruit from the Tree of Righteousness, and like Adam and Eve, now I know my transgressions. And that in itself, is torture.

Knowledge has opened us to a world of human ugliness and moral decay. With greater knowledge comes greater pain, because our moral standards as a civilized society have risen to unreasonable heights.. with us struggling to keep up with it.

And I have yet to bring the issue of religion into this yet. That itself would take another post.

We human beings know what we want. And unfortunately, we also know that we cannot always have what we want. (at least it is, in my case), because pursuing what we want would trespass our moral codes and subject ourselves to criticism and judgement.

Knowing that what I want is something i shouldn't want.. evading judgement and finding excuses. And all the while finding ways and means to indulge myself.

At least.. this is a beautiful mistake. :)

No pain could be deeper, and no life could be cheaper.

2006-01-16T23:23:00.000+08:00

"Kant, Denis Diderot, and the German philosopher of history Johann Gottfried Herder rejected this dismissive outlook and the harsh policies that had flowed from it. They believed that no single definition of human nature could be made the standard throughout the world and then used to dehumanize people whose appearance or culture differed from that standard."

Was just doing my reading for my World Civ class regarding the issue of the Enlightentenment and came across this passage, about the Enlightened Critics of European Empire.

I love how they put it, so powerful and accurate.

First day of school was fine, was fun seeing my classmates.

Then the usual, gym with Charmaine. Now being a good girl and studying. :D Get that ! Studying on my first day of school. :D

Wakeboarding tomorrow afternoon. Cant wait. :)

2006-01-15T20:55:00.001+08:00

So I guess I've contradicted myself and went back to MoS. For the 5th time. But I guess it was good :D

Went with Daphne and her family, including her parents. hahaha ! it was totally a family outing, how cute :D It was a big, good o' crowd that night at Pure, had a lil too much to drink and tons of fun.

Danced on our bed and had our 15 minutes of fame, with people clapping and taking videos/pictures of us :D until the Jerk of the Night came. (there's always one everytime we party, don't you realise) that psycho came and jumped on our bed with his sweaty dance moves and dirty, wet socks. Eww..

Left Pure to shake off the JN (see above) and headed to the main dancefloor and had a great time there since the music was much, much better. Had the podium to ourselves, so it was just me and Daph doing our thing on it with people watching :D god, I am SUCH an attention whore.

Left the club at 4am and headed to Newton for Hokkien Mee and Oyster Omelette. Yum !

Stayed over at Daph's, and woke up this afternoon, rushed home just to find out that my tuition's been cancelled.

OH THE WOES OF NOT HAVING A PHONE

Bloody hell.

School tomorrow, UGH. Am kinda looking forward to it.. but i realise that I probably wouldn't be able to go out as often as I used to.

2006-01-13T18:57:00.000+08:00

Last night was a crazy night at MoS with my girls Daphne, Yeni and Charmaine and a couple of Yeni's guy friends. Started out fine and dandy, had fun dancing around until I realised that my phone was stolen from our bed in Pure. And so was our bottle of Absolut Vodka. Fuckers. I hope my phone hangs on you 23847738463 times a day, the same way it did on me back in those days it was actually MINE.

And oh they have to figure out a way to charge the bloody phone too, the normal O2 charger doesn't work on it because it's so problematic. All these months I had to rely completely on the fucking USB port to charge the damn thing. It's an internal problem within the phone, and I had to spend hours trying to tweak the USB thing to allow the electricity to flow into my phone. have fun queueing up in fucking Bugis and finding the right charger, which I can assure you, you can NEVER find. And not to mention the uselessness of the O2 service staff.

Yay now I can get a new phone ! Hallelujah ! Good riddance !

Anyway I wasn't exactly upset over my phone, in fact I was glad I'm finally rid of it.

Last night was totally scandalous. I swear.

Charm gave her first lesbian kiss to Yeni, and her second to me. It feels so wrong, especially since it's all captured on camera for the guys' viewing pleasure. Daph was so appalled, I know. Ah, whatever. I don't wanna think about last night.

Charm finally got her guy, (at least I hope she did) and made out with him. I have to admit, he is quite a looker but the way he's so flirty and touchy spoils everything. Was so worried for Charm the entire night, because she was drunk and the guy was totally eating her tofu.

There were a couple of gross guys who tried to make conversation (or pick me up) but ugh THEY WERE FUCKING DISGUSTING especially the one who tried to make me, charm, charm's guy and him drink this bottle of something. Which I did, cause then I didn't know what kinda ass he is, then he started grabbing me around the waist and thrusting his thing against me. I don't know what I said or did, but I know it was effective. I hate guys, have I ever said that ? Eight out of ten are pure ROTTEN. Fucking horny perverts with enough male ego to sink Titanic.

Anyway the fun only started after 3, when we started dancing all over the place with everybody else including the waitresses, Phoenix and the rest. Took crazy pictures.. had fun. :)

Charm was kinda sick, throwing up the liqour. Thank God she stayed over, otherwise she wouldn't have anyone to take care of her.

Mum left for Indo today, I miss her.

And I'm officially phoneless, guys. I'm completely relying on my trusty house phone.

I'm so sad I can't believe it. No it's not because of the phone. Loneliness just hits you like a brick at times like these. I feel so alone and isolated, as if everyone left me. Was in my room just now, trying to nap but ended up crying.

Sighs. Send me some love people, I need it. :(

2006-01-11T12:13:00.000+08:00

Yeni got the Vuitton Multicolore Speedy 30 in white, the one the she's been wanting since her days in NY. Silly girl played a prank on me, telling me tht she didn't get the bag when I asked her over the phone. Met her in Taka, and guess who was carrying the big, glorious brown carrier bag from Vuittion ? :D Am so happy for her I can't stop harping on and on about it.

Daphne came and we walked around Taka looking for the stuff Yeni needs for her cocktail party tomorrow. In the end we decided to fuck it and sit at Coffee Club because we realised tht other than shopping for clothes/bags/shoes, we are totally useless at hunting for other stuff, especially household necessities.

Anyway, joined Yeni's family for dinner at the Four Seasons. Her parents are really friendly and easy to talk to. Daph and I had a wonderful time talking to Yeni's dad, whom I've found to be extremely dashing. :D I guess it's about time we all learnt the ropes, and the tricks of our respective trades since we're going to be stepping into the Indonesian business world soon.

Today, was supposed to see that damn chinese physician and do the treatment he prepared for me but since I'm having my big P i can't do it. Hallelujah ! :D its a miracle. Yay ! I've got a few more extra days of peace and comfort. Gym later at 430, probably going to be shopping around wtih Charmaine.

Tomorrow's Yeni's cocktail party, thank God I've found something to wear. An original design by my fabulously glamorous Aunt Fenny, a one-of-a-kind creation that she designed for her couture fashion show 15 years ago, back from her heyday as an up and coming fashion designer in Canada. She was excited and so am I; she's been trying to find someone to wear her designs and now she's found a muse, and I've finally solved the wardrobe dilemma. :D

Fahad is so cute. His MSN nickname is: ghetto cowboy - tiffany is mine yoooo

oh well. :)

2006-01-08T14:20:00.000+08:00

Top ten reasons why I should be a celebrity:

1. Freebies.
2. I wouldn't need to take my own photos. (which i totally don't)
3. all i need to do to see myself in my full glory is to visit one of those celeb websites.
4. i can have my private jet complete with 473 thread count Egyptian cotton for my bedsheets, with my insignia embroidered on it.
5. I'll totally create more stories for my fans (and more importantly, haters) to talk about. i.e, more scandals than Paris Hilton.
6. So that I can have my 4000 pairs of Manolos, Christian Loubotins and Jimmys.
7. I can act cute with a little dog.
8. I can get a nanny for the little dog.
9. I can marry Takeshi Kaneshiro or Prince William, or Orlando Bloom, or Shawn Yue.
10. So I'll finally get ALL THE ATTENTION I WANT, and be able to indulge in my wealth of narcissism. :D

Anyway ! Yesterday. MoS again with Daphne, Yeni, Charm and two other guys. Wasn't planning on going cause I felt like being a good girl, but Mum told me to go, so I did ! :D Glad that I did though cause it was SO much fun. :D

Hung out at LOOF for drinks, waited for the rest to come before heading to MoS. Third time in MoS in a month ! Had a table booked so headed straight up to Pure. We still had the bottle of vodka left from our previous night at MoS on Thursday, and had another bottle of Chivas Regal. The crowd was GOOD ! So is the music. Ooooh my god we had so much fun it was unbelievable. Danced so much.. all this while worrying about my boobs being fully exposed since my top was so unbelievably low cut.

Was woken up this morning by Mum, had some confusion about my tuition timings and talked on the phone with Winda and ate my lunch. Jennifer's birthday party later on, and tuition's pushed back to later tonight. Grrrr. There goes my Sunday night. :(

I miss wind.

More later, gotta go brush teeth now !

2006-01-06T22:57:00.000+08:00

Last night was a Girls' Night Out with my girls Daphne and Yeni. Dropped by at WineBar and Attica for drinks before settling on MoS, a pretty smart decision since the crowd was great and the music's good !

Hiphop night, but it was much better than the usual r&b. Man.. haven't danced to r&b in ages. The guest DJs were pretty awesome. Got our bed in Pure, yes again, I'm actually getting kinda sick of the place. Most of the people there were caucasians, HOT ones, especially the DJs themselves :D Got chatted up by this creepy Indonesian guy.. who became even MORE creepy upon finding out that we're all Indos as well. Tried to give us E but we rejected them. Damn that guy was relentless. He hunted us down everywhere even after we tried to run away, until he finally got the hint and left us alone. Fucker.

Come to think about it, drugs are actually as accessible here in SG as compared to LA, as long as you know the right people. Weed's pretty much everywhere, though the grades of the stash most of the dealers have are really shitty. Price's much more expensive, and bongs much harder to find so you'd just have to settle with joints, which I personally hate. Ketamine and coke not as common as weed, but then again it's not uncommon too. Wonder how much a bowl of purple weed will fetch here ? I bet none of the dealers have even HEARD of it before.

Anyway, we were planning on leaving early, probably at around 2am. Or at least I was, cause I was planning on waking up at 8 and going to the gym at 9 this morning. Got carried away dancing though, ended up leaving at 330am. Impressively, I still managed to get my ass outta bed by 830, only to receive an SMS from Charmaine telling me that she can't gym so the session's cancelled.

So slept again and woke up at 1230, changed and cabbed to SIM to buy my books for next semester (on Mum's orders), found the 9 books that I need, signed the visa and left the bookstore only to realize that I've got to carry all those books myself. Should've brought my maid along.

Met Winda, helped her with homework, and had singing lesson. Today's a good day :)

Mum's so cute. Daddy's away in Taiwan and so she's alone. In a way I'm glad tht she IS alone, she needs some time of her own, and taking care of him is kinda annoying and tiring at times. She was flipping through the Life! section on the ST, cutting out pages when I came into her room.

She was just telling me that she really wants to change her lifestyle since it's getting so mundane right now. She wants friends here in S'pore, those who are at the same financial status as her whom she can relate to. And I fully agree. My mum's not like the other mums, neither is she a rich tai-tai. Rich she may be, but never a tai-tai. In fact, my mum plays both the role of a mother AND a father in our family, especially since she is the sole breadwinner. She is determined, shrewd, tough, and possesses the most brilliant business mind I'll ever come across. She has her business and factories in Indonesia and China yet she works at home, she's her own boss, and she can conduct business and keep the dough rolling in just by using her cellphone to communicate, regardless of whether she's eating, shopping, or watching tv. On the other hand, my sis and I are closer to her the way daughters are closer to mothers. She is liberal enough, yet strict. And my mum is the person I have the most respect for.

Okay. Gonna sleep now, so fucking tired.

2006-01-04T17:45:00.000+08:00

2005 is over, and i'm missing it already ! It was certainly the MOST hectic, upside down inside out rollercoaster year I've ever ever experienced. I like ! :D

Okay so there were many heart-wrenching moments, times when I was violently depressed but I believe that for every bad thing that happened, good things will follow.

So there were times I was so happy I thought I would die from all the euphoria, good times that I thought would never end.

It was then I learnt that nothing lasts forever; and all good things come to an end, usually sooner that you expected.

In 2005, I:

had my fantasy fulfilled (:D),
studied in another country,
made out and lived with a pakistani gangster,
had plans to get married, :D
was broken up by protective parents,
got hooked on marijuana,
got off marijuana,
quit smoking, (FINALLY)
street raced,
forced to come back to godforsaken SG,
overspent and thus owed the bank tons of money,
paid off my bank debts,
had a grand piano as a birthday present,
learnt some Hindi, (okay the only phrase I know is Hindi for "CAN I HAVE A KISS PLEASE ?" :D)
became an incorrigible liar,
had a Private Investigator follow me everywhere,
had my parents' wrath unleashed on me,
got to know my favorite someone :),
and officially fucked my first year at university.

Karma kicked me in the butt though, ugh.

Ohh, how eventful. I hope 2006 is just as exciting :D Okay, minus the bad bits. Except that those bad bits are the parts which made 2005 delightfully scandalous :D

IN 2006 I SWEAR I WILL PASS MY SECOND YEAR WITH FLYING COLORS !
and that i'll study FUCKING hard for my school exams, research papers and the LSAT that I have to take for law school.

And i have a project to work on, yay ! Am in charge of the interior designing and constructing of our new Sentosa home. So gotta speak to the designer and contractors soon.. Plus will be doing the import of luxury furnitures from Shanghai. Big year, big money. :D

And now I am perpetually addicted to the gym ! :D I feel wrong if i don't gym thrice a week, and i feel guilty if I don't do exercises that are strenuous enough even though I'm sick. Seriously, i LOVE those sessions. I need to join the local Gymfreaks Anonymous. :D

yesterday, after gym session with Charm did a lil bit of shopping, had to curb the impulse of swiping mum's Visa which she gave me to use at every shop we set foot in. Ended up purchasing this coral-looking bracelet from Aliya for 99 bucks. I am proud of the extent of my self-control.

Went to Yeni's place to hang out with her and wendy and went for dinner at Sushi Tei, in an attempt to avoid all things oily. how was I supposed to know that Mum wanted to eat at the exact same place this afternoon. So i ate sushi twice in the past two days. This is what happens when Paragon becomes your walk-in closet.

Meeting Daph, who just recovered from stomach flu, tomorrow for lunch. Haven't seen her in two weeks ! It feels wrong.

Okay gotta go pack my room, it's looking like a war zone right now.

ARGH.

2006-01-03T09:44:00.000+08:00

I am finally back ! :D

Beijing was great; was really cold, close to -1 degrees celsius. Piled on the layers of clothes and it took two days to get used to the climate. But after that the temperature seemed perfect. Almost didn't want to go back to Singapore, cause our house was so comfortable and beautifully decorated, and the company was a blast.

Climbed the Great Wall, for the 3rd time, but there was a new attraction this time round. Some luge looking thing that you can ride on- wasn't exactly fun cause the icy wind was really painful when it blew past our faces.

Forbidden City ! this time we met a ghost. Okay not exactly we captured it on film. It was obviously a ghost, cause we took a photo of the hall with the throne which was off limits to anybody, but there was a guy in those Manchu robes bowing. Hell that guy even had a freaky beard !! and weird shoes.. it was really a ghost. The ghost emperor must've been there as well cause obviously the official guy was bowing to something. interesting :D

Did a lot of shopping but didn't really buy much. Got a pair of beautiful cowboy boots though ! :D yayy ! spent so much time hunting for it.

Mum lost her P910 Sony Ericsson phone in China. So i've gotta go buy a new phone for her right now. Gym after that, and visit to the dermatologist.

Later.

2005-12-27T22:46:00.000+08:00

I'VE GOT MY DIOR GLOSSY SHADES FIXED !

:D

and that in itself is a reason to celebrate :D

today, Alyssa's birthday party at home. Yeni came, and even made lil cupcakes for her, how sweet :)

ah, did practically nothing today. every morning I follow the same routine. I wake up at 7 fucking am in the morning, lie around in bed attempting to go back to sleep, give up at 9+, drag myself to the living room and watch cartoons on the Disney Channel until something happens.

I like it, actually. :D

I hope my UGG boots will stay intact while I'm in Beijing. Honestly, i dont wanna walk around in slush and snow, eww. But nevertheless i WILL wear them, no matter what. If they're spoilt, I'll get a new pair. :)

Alyssa got the black Ipod Nano as her birthday present from Mum & Dad, that lucky girl. I'm telling her that she should ask for a laptop next year. :D

Omg I am SO jetlagged. I'm so fucking tired, I can barely open my eyes. Had to pack even though i was falling asleep standing up, and honestly I don't know what the fuck I packed into my suitcase. All I remember seeing is my MaxMara coat.

So Yeni will be leaving for Bintan tomorrow, coming back on the 31st. And Daph's in HK now, coming back on the 30th. So that means everyone will be back just in time for New Year's eve, everyone except for me, of course. AND THAT SUCKS. I really wanted to spend New Year's eve with my two best girlfriends :\ NOW I HAVE TO SPEND IT IN THE SNOW IN FUCKING CHINA, bloody hell.

On the bright side, at least I get to spend time with my family.

Okay. Off to bed now, im so tired I can't even type properly anymore. Whatever.

Catch ya'll on the 2nd.

HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS !

2005-12-26T14:28:00.000+08:00

I AM BACK ! :D

Plane landed on the 24th, 12pm. :D AND hair salon appointment was at 130pm, so rushed home, showered and rushed to Paragon. Talk about tight schedule, ugh.

Now, about LA shopping.

Got a pretty Marc Jacobs dress at 180 US dollars which was a BARGAIN ! :D :D

Paul Frank hoodie, Junkfood tops, more Abercrombie, and more Vans.

That is all. I can't believe I spent like, less than a thousand in twelve days.

Christmas dinner with large extended family, which sucked. Family gatherings are so unpleasant sometimes. :( Ate at the American Club, AGAIN. Ugh.

25th; met up with Charm, had lunch at Crystal Jade and we were joined shortly after by dear Daphne, who got back just a few days before I did. :D

Yeni came and surprised Daph, hahaha it was HILARIOUS cause everyone thought that Yen's coming back only on the 27th. I was the only one let into the secret cause an insider needs to know to make the plan work. :D :D :D Anyway, that was our lil CHRISTMAS SURPISE for Daphne, hope she liked it.

Went to Vuitton to see the Multicolore Speedy 30 bag Yeni's buying, and saw their Cruise collection. Their dresses are like, amazing. Visited Miu Miu.. gorgeous shoes. But somehow this season's stuff seems kinda boring. :
Ah I can't wait for Daph's Chloe Paddington to come la. So exciting :D

OOOH and went to the newly opened Ministry of Sound last night. Which sucked. The crowd sucked, the music sucked. The only good thing was that the girlfriends are finally reunited, all the way from LA, New York and good ol' SG. :D so it was me, Yeni, Daph, Charmaine, Grace Martin. Wind and Ben were nonexistent at times. Booked a table, so we got a bed in PURE, the nice white room with the nice House music. :D :D ordered two bottles of booze, Jack Daniels and Vodka. Think we spent like, nearly 500 bucks alone that night. :
The R&B sucked shit, so did the retro. So we settled on House, yayy :D i guess we did have some fun despite the fact that we didn't like the music. Dancing with my girls is always fun. :)

When we get our memberships, we're going to hit SKY lounge. ;)

Ah, ZOUK is so much better. MoS can't be compared to good ol' ZOUK. I guess the reputation's already there.. Crowd's less juvenile, service is better and above all, the music's bomb. CHEERS TO ZOUK AND GOOD MUSIC !

Going to Beijing on the 28th, to see our newly-furnishedhouse and play in the snow. Will be back on the 2nd. ARGH I WISH I WAS BACK IN TIME TO CELEBRATE NEW YEAR'S EVE WITH EVERYONE.

But on the bright side, at least I get to wear my nice fur coats and boots. :D

Daph's already on the plane to BKK, and Yeni's on the way to my house.

Speaking of which, she got me a PS2 YAYYYY !!!! And tons of games. I swear, I won't need to step out of the house anymore this month :D which means less financial worries. :D

Okay I need to go brush my teeth now, later !

PS: I am SO jetlagged, it's not even funny. >:(

2005-12-17T15:23:00.000+08:00

Okay am in LA, currenty crashing at Daphne's house here in Palos Verdes. Landed on Monday.. which was like five days before, but so many things have been happening and I didn't have the mood or time to do anything.

Boy it felt SO GOOD to FINALLY see my girlfriend Daphne and my lovely cousin Jessica again. :D and they both look so happy & healthy !! 61 looks much better under their care; the house was a COMPLETE RUNDOWN MESS during my time here. Met Mansi, their housemate and a gal pal from last semester, had a wonderful time catching up. God I SO miss living with housemates, I miss the incessant chatting, the soothing presence, and the fun we have. :D

Met Fahad, who had a new girlfriend, a Japanese freshman girl, whom I've heard a lot about, and he's having a lot of problems with. Seems like the girl's been lying, etc. Had coffee at Starbucks on Monday night.. spent two hours just talking and talking and talking. So many changes.. He's got into three accidents so far, crashed his car, his motorbike, AND partially destroyed his new car. Hahaha ! Reckless driver. He's got a huge four bedroom, two living room house which he's living with his gang of friends, Haku, Kunjack, Will etc. Oooh, I love talking to him. Felt like we've never parted, at all.

Next morning went up to school with the girls and Ken, and saw most of the people ! Oh my god it's been so long, honestly. I MISSED these people sorely. Sadly I didn't get a chance to meet with Malia, who will be in SG during the days I'll still be here. Fucking great timing huh.

On tuesday, was walking out of the computer lab looking for Fahad, when I bumped into him directly, apparently he's been looking for me too. Anyway was greeted with the news of the split between him and his gf just barely two hours ago. I didn't know what to think, seriously. The fact that my ex-boyfriend has a new gf doesn't bother me at all, and I was glad that he moved on, seeing that I have too. But now after hearing the news things seems to be different. Spent the day with him, ate ice-cream at Coldstone, accompanied him studying. It felt exactly like last semester, carefree and wonderfully in love.

On a random note, the new Ministry of Sound is open and we are SO GONNA HIT IT ONCE WE GET OUR ASSES BACK IN SINGAPORE. OMG I SO cannot wait !!!! Daphne and I are totally squealing our heads off, planning our christmas and New Year's eve parties :D :D :D It's time to party baby ;)

Anyway. Went to Robertson Boulevard with Daph and Rendy after Fahad left for San Francisco, where he received a basketball scholarship, sighs. I don't know what's gonna happen, seriously, with the both of us 144,000 miles away and no future plans and one-sided expecations too high.

Okay. Shopped at Kitson, we each bought a matching shirt with the gold letterings "PEACE, LOVE AND KITSON" emblazoned on the black surface. Wanted to shop more, but ran out of time. Ate dinner at Newsroom and headed home.

Tomorrow, gonna go hit Sunset Boulevard for more shopping, Daphne needs to get her shoes from Tracey Ross and I want to buy my pair of Marc Jacobs, FINALLY. I love LA shopping, have I ever mentioned that ? :)

Argh. I can't stand this. I have so contradicting thoughts all jumbled up it's killing me. I love, but I can't afford to love cause there's so much at stake. Our future looks bleak, yet he has faith. Wtf. I so did not come all the way to LA for all this shit to happen. But in a way I'm really happy we met up, cause in that instant we felt the connection.

He's willing to wait for years, fight any odds, and give up everything for me, yet I am not so sure. Someone just fucking kill me, cause I don't know what I got myself into. Am I really deeply in love, or am I just self-indulging in this situation, loving the concept of being in love ? And if I DO love him that much, why can't I be sure of being faithful at all ? Okay, I mean he does encourage me to date/go out with other people even when he's openly declaring his love for me but that seems JUST SO WRONG. Even though I have such fucked up morals regarding relationship issues.

Okay gonna hit the bed, long day tomorrow. Nights all :)

2005-12-11T23:13:00.000+08:00

Leaving for LA tomorrow morning, and I can't believe I'm done packing. Usually I take days to pack, but did it in fifteen minutes today. Good improvement !

Ah I wanted to bring my MaxMara fur trim coat, but it'll be too warm since it's not snowing in LA. :
Today, gym with Charm. Can't believe I won't be gymming for twelve days, I can't stand it. I HAVE to like, jog in LA or something.

Was walking around Taka, and went to On Pedder, just to see the shoes. Saw the Chloe Silverado.. they had one in python. But it's so TINY, I can barely put stuff in. I AM glad that I got the Dr. Silverado, cause it's so fantastically huge, I can literally stuff ALL my gym things in (i.e, shorts, shirt, extra bra, gym shoes, socks). Saw the Marc by Marc Jacobs pumps I really really liked, but then I didn't have an extra 750 to spare, so. Maybe next time :(

By tomorrow this time I'll be on the plane. And in less than 48 hours I'll probably be seeing my long lost friends :D Oh my god, there is SO much major shopping to do. Am wondering who can take me out to Robertson, cause everyone's having exams. Wth.

Will do my driving theory test when I'm there, and hopefully I can do the practical too, since I can already drive and all I need is the license.

Ooooh Christmas is in the air ! :D I love Christmas, it's my favorite time of the year, cause everyone's just happy and loving and it's the birthday of Jesus, and I like the fact that the whole world is celebrating it as well, and not just us Christians, even though well, most people are celebrating it for different reasons.

The Christmas decorations at Orchard are so pretty, i love it :D I'm so glad I'll be back just IN TIME for Christmas eve.

I NEED to get out of SG, and take a breather. School is finally done, and results are coming out on the 21st. Seriously, I so don't wanna know how I did. I have a feeling it'll ruin Christmas for me :(

I'll take tons and tons and tons of pictures when I'm there and hopefully I'll be bothered to put it up, for once. I never upload my pics into my laptop, it's sucha drag. If only pics can be transferred from the camera to the computer like automatically, it'll save SO much time and effort.

Okay, will be back in exactly twelve days. If I can go online there I'll blog, but no promises. :)

Meanwhile, enjoy your Christmas shopping :) i've already loaned out all my VIP and discount cards to all my girl friends here, being the kind soul that I am. :D

2005-12-10T22:33:00.000+08:00

:D

o Moon, grow bright
and make this endless day, endless night !

I'm loving today, a perfect perfect day.

Concert was great. Was so jittery the entire day, but it went extremely well. Arrived at the place two and a half hours earlier so tht Ms Ng can vocalize us, and spent the rest of the remaining time walking here there and everywhere trying to calm our nerves. Carolyn was trying to get us to sing A Whole New World in pop, instead of classical, but we didn't want to try out our first improvisation ON STAGE. So.

My turn came and went really quick I suppose. The first thing I did when I walked on stage was to scan the audience for Winda, but couldn't find her and instead found my family. Hahaha ! I remember trying to find Agri too, but the auditorium seemed so huge and everyone looked like everyone else, so I gave up. And then.. I found myself enjoying my session on stage, like, I love having everyone's attention on me. Hahah ! I've found my alter ego. So on top of being a narcissistic bitch, I am an attention whore as well.

Then it was the duet which I suppose went alright, then Carolyn's turn.

Went out to look for family, who by the way, left during the intermission. Ugh.

Sat with Winda and Agri and others after, wanted to go backstage to support Alyssa but couldn't make it in time. She did really well though :)

I'm glad I made Ms Ng proud, this being my first official concert and all. And I've got FANS !! Who, incidentally, asked me how many years I've been singing. I was like, uh it's more like MONTHS. hahaha :D

I'm so glad my friends made it, they gave me so much encouragement. And also to Wind, without her faith I couldn't have possibly pulled it off.

Church after that, had wonderful worship and good supper after that. Tomorrow, gym training FINALLY !!! I've missed it WAY TOO MUCH. I need to gym, seriously. It's been like.. three days. I can't stand the lapse.

Ah I can't wait to hit LA. I'm already planning all the things to be done with my friends. Though they're all having Finals when I'm there.. but just seeing them is good enough :D I'll bring my camera I promise.

yayy :D

2005-12-08T18:51:00.000+08:00

"Lead me, teach me, for you are the Lord who gives me salvation. I have no hope except in you."
- Psalm 25:5

Every new day is a spiritual battle against worldly temptations. And I admit, I'm not very good at it. But I can safely say tht I've improved a lot, a lot these few months, especially after the gruelling process of emotional breakdowns, family confrontations, and identity crises.

I've quit marijuana, in fact I've sworn off it, I've quit smoking, FINALLY, and i've cut down A LOT on alcohol. Used to drink every single day.. up to a point where I can finish an entire bottle of Jack Daniels all by myself. Drank KetelOne vodka as my mineral water back in LA. Now, I barely drink. Not even once a week. Not even one in TWO weeks. And when I DO drink, I only have my usual Chivas Regal, or Hoegaarden. THAT'S IT. I've stopped coming home late, in fact I hardly go out at night, I've stopped clubbing, I stopped picking up random guys, and I've stopped kissing people. The last time was like.. exactly a month ago. But anyways, that means a lot cause I like kissing and in fact I used to kiss Fahad like once every 10 seconds, and we're ALWAYS kissing, everywhere (i.e, in the cafeteria, in the bus, mall, class, prof's office, etc) and that's the only drawback to being single cause if you kiss people who're not your bf/gf, you're counted as a slut. No wonder my own dad thinks I'm a slut. Hmmm.

But I've changed, I know those stuff were wrong. Now my only vice is shopping and money. Yes, Lil Miss Golddigger. :D

Today dad blew up cause I came home late, (first off, it was in the afternoon.) told him that I needed to go to school to get some stuff at 1pm, but he went bonkers when he realized that I wasn't home yet by 4pm. Yeah so anyway I wasn't in school, I was watching Chicken Little with Winda when Alyssa called and told me tht he's going mental and that he thinks I'm in some random guy's house making out. WTF.

So now things are already cleared up, he's chilled and he'd already stopped imagining the weirdest things, so we're cool :)

Today's Calculus paper, don't EVEN ask. I'm seriously gonna get a big fat ZERO on it. I left the exam hall SO early. I barely did the paper at all cause I didn't know how to do any of the questions. but anyway I dont know why I don't exactly care anymore.

Tomorrow's World Civ. Kinda looking forward to it :D then, lunch at Seoul Garden with Aunt Fenny.. (WHO eats at Seoul Garden ?! Its a warehouse of FOOD man, gross. ) We're going cause she had some voucher thing I suppose ? Oh well. I don't mind trying out new things. Then singing lesson at Pasir Ris, vocal training, piano, and then movie with Alyssa. Or Natasha's birthday party.. not quite sure yet.

Saturday's the concert I'm having butterflies. I'm so unprepared. I haven't been vocalizing all this week.. argh.

Yay I'm gonna meet up with EVERYONE in LA !!! :D I am SO LOOKING FORWARD TO IT. Malia, Daphne, Jess, Fahad, (plus his hot friends) Arianna, Alexis, Candiss and the others. God, I even miss Kristina.. and Vanessa. The guys, KC, Stephen etc. I just sincerely hope they're all still at Marymount. :D OH MY GOOOOD I AM SO BLOOOODY HAPPY !! I'm so excited. :D :D

And SHOPPING !!!!! Robertson Boulevard, HERE I COME ! :D

Okay, gotta go study World Civ now. Later :)

2005-12-07T23:44:00.000+08:00

My favorite Dior Glossy shades broke :(

The screw at the left dropped, so now it's completely unwearable. And this is the second time this happened.. But the first time round I still had the fallen out screw with me so I could just bring it over to Taka and get the storepeople to fix it for me, but this time I lost the screw. It fell off somewhere either in the cab, or in front of Lucky, but now it's gone. I desperately hope the Dior people can fix it right for me, cause I'm going to be so lost and sad without my favorite shades.

Anyway, there's TONS of new pics up at celebweb.org, especially Lindsay pictures. She is SO GORGEOUS with her dark hair, seriously. I think after the red hair, this color is the second best. And she's all pale right now cause of her movie role in Bobby, so she probably couldn't get a tan, but I think she looks really hot with fair skin nonetheless. Everyone in Hollywood's like tanned, and tanned skin is so overstated.

Today's so not my day. Something really really sad happened to me.

Before the Bio Lab exam, my prof Dr Mathews, who teaches me Biology as well came to me and said:

"Tiffany you are an A student, and you could've gotten that A if you didn't miss that quiz sometime ago."

Instantly I was like, WHAT quiz ? and he said:

"of course, you wouldn't remember. Because you are not bothered."

Ouch.

And during the Lab exam, when I was doing the experiments he took the class folder or something and came up to me, pointing at my BEFORE and AFTER grades.

" Look this is the grade you're getting before I add the missed quiz in-" -points to a 95%, "and THIS is the grade you're getting RIGHT NOW after I added that quiz." -points to a 77%

Oh my god.. I wanted to cry. Bio is something I really like, a class that I've made a point NOT to skip. I took notes in class diligently, hand up all my work on time, I'm not even LATE for Bio classes. And that is a HUGE achievement, seeing that I'm NEVER punctual for all my classes, including the final exams, but I'm actually punctual for Bio lessons. I've put in so much effort into this class that it's unbelievable. The grades that I've slaved over.. All down the drain cause of a stupid quiz.

An A to a C, all because of a QUIZ. It's not even a TEST. It's so not worth it. And the worst thing is, I had to skip that class/quiz because I had a major English test over at SIM, and I explained it to Dr Mathews the lesson before and he said he'll arrange something else for me. But he didn't, and I forgot all about it. It IS my own fault, for being so irresponsible and flaky about my schoolwork.

This Bio class is of utmost importance to me, because I need the A to go to medical school. I can fail math, econs, ANYTHING, but I have to get an A in Bio. I can't retake this course cause I didn't fail it, I got a C, and this grade will be permanent. I can't beg my prof for a re-test for that quiz, cause the semester's already over and he has returned our finals paper ALREADY.

Sighs, there goes my dream of becoming a doctor. Saving lives, fighting cancer.. it's all gone. The dream I had since I was five.. It's gone.

I can't imagine it. You'd probably wouldn't understand why this matters so much to me, but it does.

I can't attend TWO schools at one time, the schedule is crazy. I'm taking SEVEN university courses at one go, at TWO different places, nearly 20 credits, exceeding the usual 15. The subjects I'm doing are pretty heavy subjects - Macroecons, Bio, World Civ. etc, and remember, this is the first time I'm taking a course in Econs. Before this I've known NOTHING about econs. In fact, I had to struggle a lot with it this semester, especially since I didn't take Micro (which was supposed to be easier than Macro) unlike my coursemates cause I'm 2nd intake transfer student, and cause of the credits I have tht I transferred from Marymount, and the fact that this is Econs at a university level.

:(

Something good did happen today though. We talked on MSN :) Me and him. After such a long time avoiding each other.. At first was kinda apprehensive, didn't know if he'll reply me only out of politeness or something else. To my surprise he replied immediately, sounding so excited and bombarding me with so many questions. So we talked only for probably 20 minutes.. But that is enough to put the smile up on my face again :)

yayy :)

2005-12-06T22:11:00.000+08:00

Ah my new template is so beautiful I can't stop admiring it. I LOVE IT. And I know you do too. :D

Am planning out my outfits for LA, since only the shopping aspect of the whole trip appeals to me. The temperature should be pretty chilly now, so I'll be bringing my UGG boots. My Dior and MaxMara coats.. and maybe Burberry. I've outgrown my favorite Moschino :(

Cavalli pants, Rock&Republic jeans, Miss Sixty pants, alldressedup pants, and maybe some skirts. Will be doing more shopping there, so I should bring as little as possible.

This only means one thing: MORE VICTORIA'S SECRET

:D I have a fetish for nice knickers.

Why is it even like a SECRET anyways, seeing that it's so uh, WIDELY MASS PRODUCED AND SHAMELESSLY ADVERTISED ?

VS always reminds me of Janey Wilcox, my favorite heroine, the Victoria's Secret supermodel from Trading Up, a novel written by the same author as Sex in the City. I can't believe I forgot her name. Anyways read the book it's the bomb.

And I'm looking for my Bergdorf Blondes by Plum Sykes :( I've lost my copy to my ex-housemate Kristina back in LA, and I fully suspect she stole it. Along with my heels and other things. >:(

This is totally like, incoherent ramblings on my part. ANYTHING to put off studying econs, seriously. ARGH. I am SO SICK OF THE THING I HAVE THIS STRONG IMPULSE TO TEAR THE OFFENDING BOOK.

and my O2. Whenever I think about it I fume. I CAN'T BELIEVE I PAID 1300 BUCKS JUST FOR A SHITLOAD FULL OF TROUBLE. Honestly, if I've gotten a Sony Ericsson instead I bet things will still be going fine and dandy now. With the excess money I could've went shopping or sth.

fucking thing. I'm going to be phoneless in LA cause apparently my O2 charger isn't working, and neither is my green answer call button.

Unless I drag my lazy ass to bring the stupid thing to the O2 center which is in Bugis Fucking Junction ( I mean, WHO THE HELL hangs out at Bugis ?! It's ALL ABOUT Paragon and Palais Renaissance), and pray tht for ONCE IN THEIR LIFETIMES, the staff will actually be COMPETENT.

Blah.

PS: Just got a mail from Fahad, yayy :D

2005-12-06T18:05:00.000+08:00

I'm so sick of CSS templates and I couldn't stand the previous one I had cause it was so.. girlish. Felt so weird blogging on it, so yes, another revamp. How'd you like this new look ? :)

Oh my god I have Econs exam tomorrow and I AM SO DREADING IT cause I am SO not ready. Even now, barely hours away, I only have a vague idea about the stuff tht I'm supposed to know and understand. I don't understand what the hell the Keynesian model is, seriously. That shit is the ONLY thing tht I'm clueless about, and tht output in the short run thingy. I HATE ECONS !!!!! I can't believe I'll be FREE FROM IT after TOMORROW. Ah, the promise of tomorrow hangs in the air. I can't wait. I need to kick it out of my life.

Today's english paper was pretty good, a stupid topic though. Had to write about banning CIGARETTE SMOKING IN PUBLIC PLACES, something which I can't really justifiably write about since well, smoking was something I used to do a lot. When I wrote it I was like, okay Tiffany YOU ARE ONE HELL OF A HYPOCRITE, writing such passionate shit on something you obviously don't give a fuck about. Wonder how Melvin did.. He sat beside me and HAHA HE LOOKED SO ANNOYED at the question, especially since he smokes like a chimney all day long.

Town, met Winda and Ben and went to Kino to look for my piano pieces but couldn't find. It's really annoying. I hate the pieces they have in the ABRSM book, AND YET I CAN'T FIND THE ALTERNATIVE PIECES. urgh. :( speaking of which.. I need to get my violin exam book too.. so many things to buy.

Going to LA next Monday. I don't wanna go, cause I feel so lazy. But I wanna shop at Kitson and Beverly Hills, so for that alone I'll go :) will be back in SG on the 24th. Christmas eve, perfect.

AND I HATE MY O2 !!!!! Its fucking up. i can't press the green answer call button. and the new charger isn't working so i can only charge using the USB. HOW PATHETIC IS THAT ! Seriously, I need to call up O2 and yell at the company.

Ok, study time. Later.

2005-12-05T22:26:00.000+08:00

sometimes i WISH i wasn't plagued with this tendency to have extreme reactions to practically everything, especially when i don't even know WHY i'm so insane right now.

yesterday was reaaaallly bad cause i was just tormenting myself with WHATIFS, and i don't even want to imagine. i don't know what i'll do, seriously, i dont dare think about it. and whenever i think about these stuff i'll get a splitting headache tht wouldn't go away, and i'll end up burying myself under my blanket, gritting my teeth and punching my fists, trying to get rid of the headache AND the heartache. it drives me nuts and i'm scared. these happens when i'm extremely wound up about sth, the last time it happened was when.. okay actually it's been happening frequently in the recent months. ever since i came back from LA.

and then after each of those sessions, while i'm still struggling to find release i'll feel a warm embrace enveloping me, and a voice telling me everything'll be alright. at that instant i'll instinctively know who that is and i'll be so relieved, knowing tht He's here to give me the release from the demon of my fears. in that gentle, knowing voice of His, He'll tell me to surrender my burdens to him, to trust in Him completely. tears will flow freely from my eyes, cause then i'll remember tht even though i'm broken inside, imperfect and a sinner, i'm still Jesus' beloved daughter, whom He gave up his life for and nothing, no power in the world will ever change that. a ray of hope would shine within the darkness, and slowly, relieved beyond words, i will surrender myself to His merciful and loving embrace.

i'll remember the crucifix and the torture, and i'll realize tht my pain is NOTHING compared to what he suffered, yet i'm whining abt it. since the day i was born again i've let go of my right to grieve for myself, and instead i should focus completely on Him. then, i'll be so grateful to Him for once again healing me and being my comforter. i will praise Him in songs and in spirit, i'll worship and exalt His beautiful name, cause i'll realize, who am i, to deserve such love ? words fail to describe how beautiful, how mighty my Lord and my Savior is. and how much love he has for me, an unworthy sinner. there is nothing i can do to repay Him except to give Him praise. in His embrace, i am safe from my fears.

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy burden, and I will give you rest."
- Matthew 11:28

"Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand."
- Isaiah 41:10

ah, i can go on and on writing about Him. now, i know what i finally want. beyond all the material and worldly needs, beyond everything the world has ever known, I want to be His vessel, through which His power can be manifested to even greater heights.

and for that alone, everything is worth it.
life is worth living because of Him.

2005-12-04T22:12:00.000+08:00

i am so pissed at myself. so i've went one BIG bloody round and ended up where i started again. WHY can't i get over it ?! >:(

anyway, a lot of stuff running through my mind. not bad stuff, but mostly reflections of what happened, what should've happened and what will happen.

went to sentosa and stayed overnight with sis and Charmaine. it was really random, and sudden, since we were planning to cancel our little trip. hahhah it was REALLLLY fun, the three of us, since we're SO not outdoor-y people, so we share the exact same sentiments about staying out in the sun.

checked in into our rooms in shangri-la, and headed for dinner at some pizza place since we were famished, and went to get new zealand's natural ice cream. went back to the hotel since mum just arrived so we needed to give her the room key. changed, and went down to play in the arcade. hahahah ! SO weird. we were screaming all over the place.. and decided that 15 bucks is A LOT of cash spent on 10 mins of games so we left before we squandered all our cash on those machines.

alyssa left, and me and charm took a long stroll down siloso beach.

it was like 11pm, and it felt so wonderful so walk on the sand barefooted with the night breeze blowing gently. so peaceful and serene, yet at the same time it was pretty intimidating since we were the only people left on the beach and it was near midnight.

anyway, we had a great time talking about everything and anything; i LOVE these sessions with charmaine cause she's someone who really understands and doesn't judge me. so we sat down at a bar and had our drinks, and talked late into the night.major bonding session :D hahaha. got back at 2am, and immediately went to sleep cause we were so shagged.

next morning, overslept our alarms but still made it in time for breakfast. after which we went on the luge, then cinemania, and trekked to volcanoland. ALL IN THE BLISTERING SUN. oh my god, we positively DIED during our journey. we had to actually WALK. this is NEVER happening again.

home, and immediately napped. sun zapped all my energy away.

there's so so so many things going through my mind. it was over long ago wasnt it ? why am i still thinking about it ? this is so.. unlike me. sighs, no one would understand, since its all so stupid. charmaine would, cause i poured out my heart to her, and she finally accepts it. this thing is driving me crazy.

people want what they can't have, don't they.
i know tht too well.

2005-12-03T00:50:00.000+08:00

TODAY ! Birthday party at home.

was great; everyone had a great time. around 60 people turned up, some are my family members and the rest are friends from IFGF. so sweet, so many dedications. :)

ci ling2, ko chongta and the rest; came early and set up the projector, etc for the praise&worship. did all the planning for tonight's event, thanks guys you are GREATLY APPRECIATED. thanks for making it possible.

irene, catherine, velicia, and EVERYONE else in ifgf; rushed down from their recording session in the studio. and thanks to irene who dedicated two songs. love you :) and again, thankyou guys :D

aunt herline; for coming down and bringing her cute twin daughters and giving me the most precious pair of swarovski earrings, love them :) thanks ie.

aunt melissa; for hunting all over Singapore to look for my Nicole Richie book, and for coming down even though it was past her kids' bedtime, thank you :)

auntie hweelee&uncle michael; for giving me a songbook/pianobook from new creation. thankyou :)

Luo laoshi and family; for ALWAYS being there during my birthday parties and providing the BEST musical entertainment. and special thanks to sy, for the two lovely violin pieces he dedicated, and for being the perfect accompaniment to.. everything. :) thankyou.

uncle joseph & auntie chiewling; for MORAL SUPPORT THAT'LL NEVER WANE, and for your comforting presence :) I LOVE YOU GUYS !

Pastor Ting and wife; thank you BOTH of you for the wonderful words of blessings you gave, and for rushing down all the way from MALAYSIA just for the occasion :) God bless.

Pastor Handoyo and Bu. Gembala, for being so willing to take part in this, and impart such words of wisdom. thank you for your prayers and blessings, God bless.

and so many so many MORE thankyous, but if i list every single one of them out i'll never get to sleep. perfect perfect perfect :)

sometime during the event, those certain feelings; those strong waves of passion that i once had, reminiscient of last year, came back in full force. thought about you, thought about us, and how we used to be. and i can only hope tht there'll be a happily ever after ending to this story we've written, with our lives interwined around each other.

truly in His time, everything is beautiful.

love; i receive.

2005-12-02T00:21:00.000+08:00

ooh i love being the birthday girl :) i feel so loved.

thanks to everyone who made the effort to call/sms or wish me happy birthday;
greatly appreciated
I LOVE YOU ALL TOO,
EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU :D

my family is the sweetest ever. first, my mum got me a grand piano, and the Chloe Dr. Silverado. and tons of clothes AND accessories from alldressedup, and a lovely dinner at Jaan, french restaurant at Swissotel. my sister and my dad are just smiling the whole day, and my dad said sucha sincere prayer for me just now, i couldnt help but start tearing.

Aunt fenny didn't say much, but when i came home from the dinner there is was, the heart-shaped box sitting on my bed with a card. she gave me a lovely,lovely chunky semi precious stones necklace, just the way i like it, big, bold and beautiful. she wrote the sweetest things in the huge card, which was unbearably cute as well. :)

2nd aunt messaged all the way from Surabaya, gave me her blessings and a message from God: that he's asking me what i want, and that he's blessing me, so, so abundantly. that He's opening the windows for me in the morning, and He loves me. that gave me peace that'll last me another year, at the very least. i'm so glad that i'm walking in God's path, and tht im finally able to face him without any guilt of life.

6th aunt messaged me first thing in the morning; she was hunting ALL OVER SINGAPORE for the book i wanted as a bday present; Nicole Richie's The Truth About Diamonds. she couldnt find it in so many bookstores, so i told her nvm, get me sth else, i dont mind anything, but she insisted on finding that book for me. ohh, so sweet.

Charmaine dear sent me the cutest message early this morning: "Hey my babylicious babe ! Happy happy birthday ! You are finally 17, enjoy it ok. You deserve it. You are my dearest friend and i love you like a 100 Fendi Spys !" SHE LOVES ME LIKE A HUNDRED FENDI SPYS. beat that ! :D

Winda sent me a message with a super fucked up looking cake, which she insisted looked like a crab, but sweet nevertheless. :D she & ben accompanied me all the way to SIM and CAE.

Lide was the first to wish my happy birthday last night, and i NEVER thought tht HE'LL remember ! Jaime, my two years younger junior whom i havent been in contact with for a YEAR, called me yesterday AND sms-ed me wishing happy birthday too :D

and tons and tons and tons of other friends I LOVE YOUU ALL !! :D

ohh i feel so loved :D sighs. i'm blissfully happy today :) with the all the love im receiving AND all the lovely presents ive got :D and more to come tomorrow.

party at home tomorrow, yayy :D CAN'T WAIT.

i love 1st December 2005.